Things To Do

I think everyone should explore. Whenever I visit anywhere (regardless of how short my stay is) I try to see some of the town or city I'm in. I don't reserve exploration to only foreign locals, I feel almost an obligation to experience my hometown. Last night I paid a visit to the Markham Fair. For anyone who hasn't been I highly recommend it. The food is decent, the exhibits/events are fun (I don't know how, but I've developed a fondness for the tractor pull) and the price is fair ($10.00/adult). It is like a mini CNE with the focus on the majority of events on farming. You have until tomorrow to try and get there and then you'll have to wait until next year.

I love bedtime stories. I have one of those mothers that when my brother and I were younger she would snuggle in our beds and read us a bedtime story. I guess I've never outgrown having someone tell a great tale. Tonight Toronto is hosting the Scotiabank Nuit Blanche. What’s calling me to the SNB is the fact that the over 20 Toronto authors will be telling bedtime stories at the Toronto Heliconian Club. So I know where I’ll be tonight!!

Great Expectations

I don't expect much from others.

I would like to say there's no reason behind that statement, however, I'm trying to restrict lying for recreational purposes only. When I was younger I went through this period when almost everyone around me let me down. At that time I simply decided to call it one of the facts of life and became a lot more self reliant.

I was kind of shocked (disgusted) lately to realize I still feel the same way. I use my lack of expectations from others as a tool to stop myself from becoming angered, disappointed or resentful. When I found out about my new position at work I didn't get very excited and my co-workers couldn't understand why. The organization I work for once told me (2002) that I would be getting a permanent position and that the paperwork was just waiting to be sign. They lied and laid off myself and 60+ others. The sad thing is I really don't expect anything of anyone else any more. (I would like to point out that there are people who have never disappointed or let me down and I'm writing this as more as a way to explain certain aspects of my personality and some of the comments I make.)

On the flip side, I have the highest expectations of myself. Because I know how much the disappointment can hurt, I strive to constantly meet every expectation thrust upon me. They expect me to do well at school, I do. They expect to move up the corporate ladder, I do. They expect me to be helpful, cheerful, fun, exuberant, I am (usually?). It can be exhausting.

In a sick way, I've been accustom to constantly having new achievements to the point where I don't even savour my success anymore. I get a scholarship and immediately I start working on how to get a better one next year. I get a new job (I haven't even starting training for it) and I'm looking for my next career move. I am in my first month at university and I'm already studying for my LSAT. I keep telling myself that once I have this done or that accomplished I'll be content or satisfied (for a while anyway). I guess the good that comes out of all this is that keeps life interesting.

Like I said before, Tip told me after reading my blog (prior to "You're Killing Me!!") "You better be careful, it shows the weaker side of you", but like the title of the blog says it’s "Just My Thoughts".

I Beg To Differ

Tip sent me an e-mail (prior to the "You're Killing Me" post) and this is what she had to say about my blog:

"But after reading it, you better be careful, it shows the weaker side of you and that you actually do have a nice side...dun..dun...dun."

I just wanted to clarify:

I DON'T HAVE A WEAKER SIDE

A nice side is a possibility (reserved for children under the age of 18 and seniors (anyone 30+)).

Toys"R"Us Kid

My boss called me into his office today and immediately my mind starts going over everything I’ve done recently to get myself into trouble. Admittedly, I probably should not have brought the 2 children's balls into the office today. As well, I should have refrained from setting up a basketball court in the claims prep area. Also, it would probably have been advisable to not put the balls up my shirt and do an Anna Nicole Smith impression. The list could go on, and telling my boss "I'll stop playing with my balls" sure didn't help anything, but fortunately today that had very little to do with our discussion.

Today I've been given a challenge. I mentioned a few posts ago that I was looking for one and it has now found me. My boss sees both my potential and ambitious and I'm pretty blessed by his decision to foster them. Every once in a while he gives me an "Assignment". They tend to have nothing to do with my job description and focus on what he eventually sees me amounting to. Some have been fairly easy, as in, learning how to operate different applications and teach others and some have been rather difficult, for example, sticking me on a national committee and having me come up with a proposal paper. Recently, they (my manager (boss) and supervisor) have been grooming me for more of a supervisor/management position. I think this is kind of funny as I still see myself as a kid (which is one of my nicknames here at work (that and Trouble)). My boss has also decided that I need to ”Start leading by example". I guess what he is trying to say is no more fart machines at work. Being honest, I do appreciate his advise and guidance and once I reach the top, I'll have to make sure to remember him.

You're Killing Me!!

*Hiccups: Things I don't like; or when things go wrong.*

Lately I've had the Hiccups. Sometimes it is just mildly annoying and at others times its excruciatingly painful. Yesterday I had them all day. I woke up late, the dryer failed to dry my clothes, I couldn't find my wallet, I realized I had a lot of reading for class that I hadn't yet completed and I missed my ride (I decided to stay home). My dad reminded me that my grandmother is coming for my graduation in October and that we had guest coming over in two weeks and so the majority of my day was spent cleaning (and I still didn't get all of my readings done). Eventually, I headed off for school with the expectation that the day could only get better (I was wrong). Since I was pretty early I got a chance to do most of my readings and I got my favourite seat in the class. THAN HE WALKS IN (I'll call him Stinky). Stinky comes and sits right next to me. Explaining his smell is something I don't think I can put into words. It wasn't just an "Oops, I didn't have time to shower today" it was a "I've never seen a shower in my life" kind of smell. Kind of like 3 year old, wet garbage or a rotting dead body. Suffice to say it was disgusting. By this point the class is pretty much full, so I pulled my sweater up over my nose and tried not to breathe in deeply. Apparently, it wasn’t enough for Stinky to just smell and so he starts staring at me. I hate being stared at (no reason really). Finally he starts to copy my notes. Usually I have no problem with this as long as you ask me and there is some kind of reason, but when the notes are simply my thoughts and things to help with future studying, it really does nothing for you to copy my stuff.

Lesson Learned: Next time after strike one I'll move to the floor if I have to.

The most unwelcome hiccup is thanks to my dearest Tip. I met Tip in elementary school, when the racist music teacher wanted to introduce Tip to one of the two other "black girls" in her grade (that is really ironic if you know me well).

Interesting Fact: Tip is the ugliest person ever in a history textbook.

A couple of weeks ago I made a vow. I did so with all sincerity and every intention of keeping my word. Tip upon hearing the vow not only had the audacity to laugh, but promised that I would not be able to keep my vow. Since that time I have had more temptation thrust on me than I have ever seen in my life (Tip, it is not even funny anymore (Stop laughing, I can hear you in my head)). On Monday temptation presented itself in its most alluring form to date (twice). I am proud to say, as yet, the vow has not been broken and can say with all conviction I have every intention on seeing it thorough.

Lesson Learned: Don't tell Tip anything!!!

Just Rambling

What's greater than an autumn morning? Nothing, if you're asking me. This is my favourite time of year. In the morning the air is crisp and clean, you pull out your favourite pair of jeans and warm sweater and watch the progression of the leaves as green turns to fiery red, a golden orange or a rusty brown. Another school year starts taking you one step closer to wherever you want to end up in life. Autumn brings with it a sense of peace and my favourite holiday, Thanksgiving.

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Thanks to the hour long bus ride going home from school, I've realized I really should have focussed on getting my license sooner. I've owned 2 cars, attended driving school and still no license. Therefore, I'm establishing my new short term goal - to have my license by the end of 2006. (LET IT BE WRITTEN, LET IT BE DONE)

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As my trip to South Africa gets closer, my excitement continues to grow. I think a large part of this trip meaning so much is that A) The wedding I'm going to attend is for two of the greatest people I know B) If you asked me "What are you?" the answer you'll receive is Canadian-Trinidadian-Italian. Those are the aspects of my heritage I relate to. However, (as my dad keeps insisting) we have ancestors from all over the world. By limiting my curiosity and interest to only the 3 cultures listed above I'm missing out on a lot of my history. So, as you hear of my travels and the new experiences I hope to have, it's truly just me trying to find out more about me.

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I need a new challenge.

I don't want to say that life is easy, but I seem to be making progress in many of my endeavours. School doesn't seem like it will take up as much time or energy and I had originally thought. Work is almost mind-numbing in its simplicity. Family life is probably the most amiable it has ever been. Even getting my license doesn’t appear to me as something that will be very difficult. Everything seems to be going right. I need a new cause, something to invest in and strive for. I'll keep thinking.....

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I've given up television and it wasn't hard to do. I think I'll put my energies into reading more. It's time I revisit Cyrano De Bergerac as I haven't been there in a while. It's weird that a story that has such an unhappy, just miserable ending is the one I love most. I guess I'm not a happily ever after type person.

So Sick or Crazy In Love?

I’ve always loved a good love song.

Boyz II Men, All 4 One and many others brought me through my teenage years. They expressed my joy, pain, excitement and all the other rainbow of feelings a teenage girl has. I could never imagine my life without music as it has played such a large role in shaping me. Anyone who has ever called me at home can attest to the fact I almost always have music playing in the background. Because it means so much to me here's a list of some of my favourites:

Boyz II Men - End of the Road (been there!) *This is my favourite BIIM song, but I love everything they've done (I even have the Christmas album and a video or two)*
(There's an scary videotape of me lip-syncing to Mike's portion of the song, if any can find, destroy and provide proof that this tape is no longer in existence they will be greatly rewarded)

Wham - Careless Whisper *Tied for favourite song ever*

Jagged Edge - Gotta Be *Tied for favourite song ever*

Silk - Lose Control (I could listen to this song all day and I have)

Shai - Comforter

Shai- If I Ever Fall In Love

All 4 One - I Swear (I love the entire album that has this song on it)

Toni Braxton - Breathe

Toni Braxton - Unbreak My Heart

Des'ree - Kissing You

Mariah Carey - Love Takes Time *She's my favourite female artist*

The Manhattans - We've Never Danced To A Love Song

Marvin Gaye - If This World Were Mine

Otis Redding - Try A Little Tenderness

ANYTHING by - Jon B, Brian McKnight (Anytime!!!), Babyface, Mint Condition, Jodeci and BOYZ II MEN (just stressing their importance)

I could keep going, but I've got work and school tomorrow and my bed is calling me.

I'm Engaged?

HONESTLY I'm not in any rush to get married, settle down or start a family. I'm young, I still have a lot of life I want to experience (on my own) and my focus is school and achieving many of the goals I've set for myself. I'm ambitious, somewhat selfish and I'm constantly striving for perfection (see previous post).

So how did I get engaged?

I was sitting at a wedding having a conversation with a 17 year old and he asked me about getting married. I told him the truth; it's not going to happen anytime soon, if it does in fact happen. He said it will happen and I responded with there are never any guarantees. So he does what any normal 17 year old would do and says he'll marry me.

So an arrangement was reached that if when he reaches the age of 25 if neither of us is married, we'll get married.

Where was that kind of 17 year old when I was that age????

Wedded Bliss

Today I went to the wedding of two people I love very much.

It was a beautiful ceremony, a fun-filled reception and a great time was had by all.

Am I a fan of weddings?

In general I'm not. It's usually people you don't know very well (distance relatives or not-so-close family friend). People are making bets on how long the marriage will last before the bride even walks down the aisle. The reception is time spent gathering material to complain or joke about on the ride home. It's an awful experience that I like to have as infrequently as possible.

What made this wedding different?

I think really knowing the bride and groom and their love and respect for each other is what made today such an wonderful event to partake of . I got this e-mail the other day and immediately thought of them:

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question......

"What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking. "Do you really want to know?"

Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound... As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more." I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life" He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man." I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.

God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.

He said, "You're asking a lot."

She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

In my eyes the couple that got married today are both worth a lot and I'm sure they will continue to strive for perfection in their new life together.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! I LOVE YOU BOTH!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR AFRICA!!!

Moving On Up

I've got a new job!!!

One of my favourite parts of getting this new job is the reaction of my fellow co-workers. Here's why:

In our workplace they hold "competitions" for almost any job that becomes available. The screwy thing is that someone could have been performing the job for years but not hold it permanently (acting in a position). Therefore, although they've proven themselves in the position, they must still compete for it. The competition process is first you apply, then get screened-in, complete some sort of psychology or general knowledge test, complete a knowledge test on the aspects of the specific job and finally you attend an interview. Now, I understand that all systems have flaws, but due to the design of the process it can be difficult for many people who haven't had to study or write a test in years. For those of us still in school or just out of it you simply make a study schedule and stick to it. It isn't easy or fun but if you want to go anywhere it's what you have to do.

So, it boils down to this I got the job when many more experienced, knowledgeable people were unable to pass the first test. Some people will say congratulations, shake your hand or give you a pat on the back when they hear the news and some truly do mean it. However, what I like best are the truly honest people, the ones who ask if you got the job and then say "oh" or "you must be happy" because their not willing congratulate you or say something they really don't mean.

By getting the position does that mean I'm more qualified or capable of performing the job? Not necessarily, all it means is that I'll have to prove myself when the time comes that I must start fulfilling all of the obligations of the new position. It's a challenge I look forward to and will talk more about.

My So Called Life

Life is great!

I just started at the university I've wanted to attend since the first time I saw the campus when I was four years old (at the time I was trying to convince my mom I should go there instead of pre-school (I hated the particular pre-school I was attending)). I love the professors, everyone appears to think that I'm their age and not 6 years older and I'm even thinking of joining a club or two. I think I've just received a promotion at work (I haven't seen the paper work yet so I'm not a 100% positive).

Now, for the good stuff. (People seem to think I lead a much more exciting love life than actual facts support.) I like people in general which has been the cause of way too many sticky situations. The truth of the matter is that I haven't seen anyone seriously since I found out I was diabetic (I didn't want to be with me, why should anyone else have to put up with me?). So, why did I say time for the good stuff? I've made many changes recently the most important one has been letting people back into my life that I "kicked out" a long time ago. There have been four boys (now men) in my life that have been crucial to my growth and development as a human being.

The first we'll call my "first love". "First love" was that boy you fall in love with when you're five years old and you know at the time you'll get married and have lots of babies together. I waited 9 years before confessing my undying love (against the advice of many good friends) and to my great delight, horror, surprise, and shock he said he was interested (honestly, I was expecting to be let down easy). We carried on a passionate, secret affair for 3 months and than my parents sent me away for the summer. At fourteen, I guess I was pretty scared and unsure of my feelings and it felt like the longest summer ever (admittedly, I did fall in love twice while I was gone, but definitely didn't want to have babies with those two). I won't go into details or blame anyone for the end of our relationship but suffice to say by Halloween the love affair was over. I've recently send an offer of friendship to the "first love" in the belief that this will be another step on the road to becoming an adult. Additionally, I really did love him in my own way and miss many of the characteristics of his personality that I fell in love with.

At around the same time my first love ended I started talking to the man I will call my "Best Friend". We would talk for hours on end and at that time it was nice to have someone to talk to with no pressures or expectations. He's never left my life and I hope he never will as I love him more than words can express and should probably tell him that more often.

The next we'll call "My Confidant". I don't remember how we became friends as he seemed way too cool to ever have wanted to talk to me, but eventually it got to the point where things didn't seem as real or as vivid until I'd told him about it. I told him everything hopes, dreams, aspirations and he never made me feel like anything was impossible or tried to throw out the obvious obstacles as others did. When I realized I was slowly falling in love with "My Confidant" I started stepping back (for the longest time I didn't want anyone to displace my "first love' (believe me, that keep me out of a lot of trouble and stupidness)). I take all the blame on this relationship falling apart. By the time I got to my senses and decided to contact "My Confidant" he had moved on to some new and again I decided to back off. I missed having him in my life so much at times it pretty much brought me to tears. There were moments I'd forget he wasn't in my life and go to call him because I was excited and the let down from remembering that he wasn't there would take the thrill away from the situation. I recently saw him somewhere and ran into a mutual friend who suggested I give him a call. You know in the movies when someone reacts a certain way and you think that's not real I'd never do that, here's the initial conversation:

My Confidant: Hello

Me: Hi, Can I please speak to "My Confidant"

My Confidant: Speaking.

Me: My God!! Are you serious?! It's really you?! (Nervous laugh/giggle)

My Confidant: *Marieseda* is that you?

(Talk about a loser. So, I'm a dork, deal with it.)
We had a very long catch up conversation, it was great, it's weird but I felt so much better after we talked. You know the saying "you look like you lost your best friend"; well it felt like I had found one of mine again. I'll call him again soon and let you know what's up.

The last guy to be described has also just returned after a lengthy absence from my life. I ran into at the mall. The sad thing is I barely recognized him. I think I'll call him "My Cheerleader". He was the greatest thing to happen to my ego ever. He always pushed and encouraged me. Those times when I would doubt or question my abilities, he never let me think for a minute I would fail. He called me on all my bullshit and he'd let me know when I'd gone too far. The year before I found out I was diabetic and right after I found out I spent a lot of time pushing people out of my life and "My Cheerleader" was one of them. One of the first things out his mouth was that he's getting married. Normally, I don't believe in marriage at our age, but I truly believe that if anyone can make a success of it, he can. It was weird to have someone seem so excited to see me. As he screamed my name from across the mall, it took me a minute to realize it was him (I feel so embarrassed saying that). He gave me his cell number and said to give him a call which I did and we had a great conversation and he had all this wonderful advice and guidance for me and I felt like such a fool for the long separation we had had.

So, the good stuff is that I have all these wonderful men back in my life, not necessarily in the same positions, but I have no intentions of ever letting any of them go again.

Not a big deal

Something a lot of people don't know about me is that I'm Diabetic. I found out about 3 years and it was kind of funny because I was in the hospital at the time and different nurses and doctors kept asking if I was and since to my knowledge I wasn't it pissed me off that they kept asking, as I try not to lie to people who are constantly sticking needles in me. People around me (mostly family) made me feel like I'd just been given a horrible death sentence and I was somewhat uncomfortable telling people because the only people who seemed familiar with Diabetes seemed to know someone who had an awful experience with it (going blind, dying, etc.). My doctor was not very happy with me at first as I didn't take it very seriously and he had more horror stories than anyone else of people dying in their 20's and 30's and kept insisting that he wanted to see me live a long and healthy life. The beginning of this year I decided to stop being an idiot and start taking care of myself as I also would like to see me have a long and healthy life.

For the most part it's not that hard living in a world with millions of sugar-free products. The biggest problem I seem to have is when dining out servers/waiters seem to have the impression that mixing up my sugar-free diet coke with a regular coke is no big deal. Now, to the ordinary dieter I'm pretty sure that one regular coke is not going to throw them far off course. On the other hand I've found for me that one simple slip can cause me and the people around me hours of unhappiness (sugar does very weird things to me). So, if you see me checking my drink order, please don't think I'm being a bitch or anything, I'm simply trying to save those around me from the torture that is me on "sugar".

Why?!

So, quite a few of my friends have blogs and some have asked if I'd be interested in starting one. The answer has always been no, as I'm not the greatest writer and I have this tendency to get into trouble with the things that I say and do. Since, I need to work on my writing skills and trouble seeks me out regardless of what I do I figured "what the hay" I’ll give it a shot and so now you know why!