Some Self-Reflection

So we're sitting in the library and Ben reaches over to hold my hand and I look into his gorgeous blue eyes (there's nothing sexier than a man with blue eyes and dark hair) and I think to myself "what am I doing?" Ben's a great guy but he's just recently broken up with girlfriend and I've just recently ended the game I've been playing with a guy for over a year and here I am ready to jump back in. As I sat there listening to him talk about why Mathematics is the hardest major and how his teacher doesn't know anything, it struck me that I couldn't be less interested (in both the subject and him). Going with that train of thought I realized for the first time in a long time I'm not interested in anyone. There have been a couple of guys who were in the back of my mind, thought of as candidates, but as I dated each one mentally (it's a lot easier to date guys mentally than to have to put up with the real thing) I realized they're just not what I'm looking for because, right now, I'm not looking for anything. I think the pressure girls feel to have to be with someone (anyone) causes more panic and heartache than anything else. I get asked fairly often if am married or seeing someone and whenever I say no it's like I've failed a test. People at work keep joking that there must be someone new and that's why I'm all "fancied up" recently. I think it's sad that I can't want to do it for myself and have people accept that. If I wanted some random guy to full a void I doubt I'd have any difficulty in accomplishing that but right now I'm great on my own.

Thank You Very Much!!

That's not fair

Life's not fair. I think it makes life easier if that's a lesson you learn at a young age. How did I learn this lesson? Sad but true the movie Labyrinth is what taught me this crucial lesson in life. For those who haven't seen it the story is about a young girl named Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) she asks the Goblin King (David Bowie) to take her baby brother away. The movie is about her quest to get her brother back. She enters a world where everything changes and people lie and eventually learns the lesson that life's not fair. Another good lesson the movie offers is how somebody can take something they did and twist it and make it sound like they've done it all for you, when in reality the only person benefiting from their actions is themselves. Besides that, the movie has some great music (Who doesn't love David Bowie?)

I'm loving this...

This is the best blog I've seen to date Useless Advice From Useless Men.

I had to share with everyone my favourite post dated Tuesday, March 21, 2006:

QUESTION # 245: RENT-A-MAN

Dear Useless Men,After many bad relationships, I think I have come up with the perfect idea. The "Rent a man" You can rent a man to take care of the lawn, fix stuff around the house, squish bugs, and let the children know in a stern voice "Don't talk to your mother that way" then after some...ummm, other manly duties, let him go to wherever he goes, and just rent him on an as need basis, not having to serve him dinner, or supply him with clean socks.

What do you think about this idea...do you think it will work?? I think I'm a genius!!!

Dreaming of a Better Man

Dear Dreamer,

Utopian societies rarely flourish. And rest assured, what you have described here is as near a Utopia as has ever been imagined. Men getting paid to do the things which we usually receive as an unfortunate side effect of ourselves paying to secure regular sexual encounters for the rest of our lives? The only thing that would be better is if we went home to our meat-and-chocolate houses to bathe in beer.

No, unfortunately, the two genders - which might as well be two different species - are eternally entwined in a symbiotic relationship. What would invariably end up happening is this:

"Rent-a-Man, this is Jake speaking, how can I help you?"
"You can't. My name's Linda and I want my Rodney."
"Ma'am, Rodney is one of our specialists. He's out on another call right--"
"What!! That lying cheat! Give me his personal number!"
"Ma'am, you know we can't do that. At Rent-a-Man, all of our customers are special, and that means nobody gets preferential treatment. Besides, his personal contact numbers are confidential. This is all laid out in the contract you signed --"
"Confidential? I know how many moles are on his butt, Jake. Do YOU know how many moles are on his butt?"
"No, but that's not--"
"Eighteen. That's how many. Now are you going to give me his number?" "Actually, yes, because I just weighed the pros and cons and it could be him having this discussion with you rather than me. Let me put you on hold and I'll get you that number."

Later
"Rodney speaking."
"You lying SOB!"
"Customer ID 4458539? Is that you?"
"Don't you Customer ID four-four whatever me you lying dog. Get back here right now. The lawn's a mess, the children are crying, and I need a massage."
"But I--"
"NOW, Rodney!"
"Yes, dear."

Or, equally likely, is the following scenario:
"Rodney, what are you doing here? You're not still on the job, are you?" "Linda, I'm sorry, I know it's against the rules but I had to see you again. Those eyes. They're like two, big, beautiful blue breasts right on your face. That's how good looking your eyes are."
"I'm calling the cops."
"Good! I need as many witnesses as possible. I, Rodney Wilson Goodfellow, love you, Linda Customer ID 4458539. I even brought you a rose. See?"
"What was that thing you said about my eyes again?"
"They're like boobs, but on your face."
"How sweet! Would you like to come inside for some coffee?"

You see, men and women will fight any separation and naturally gravitate toward an equilibrium wherein we both make each other miserable. This shared misery is what leads many men and women onto the path of greatness. Without it, all we'd be doing is sitting around being happy and content all the time.

That's hardly conducive to a forward-thinking society that's looking to get ahead in the universe.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless

I'm sorry is there anything funnier than "They're like boobs, but on your face." ?

I think not.

Sorry!!

Been kind of harsh to a couple of people on a couple of issues. I’ll take this opportunity to apologize.

My bad.

(But honestly, deal with it and move on)

Happily Ever After

Why do stories end with happily ever after? Wouldn’t it be nice for a change to see a story start with happily ever after?

They lived happily ever after. They had 3 kids, bought a house, had great jobs and died peacefully, well into their hundreds.

I guess that it doesn’t make for as good a story, but every so often it wouldn’t hurt to hear a story like that.

Passed now, done, finished.

I loved him most when he was meanest, because I knew thats when he was lovin' most.

I remember everything you ever said or did. But that's passed now, done, finished.

(And Steve thought "I Wish, I Wish..." was me being mysterious)

Shell Update

So I let my guard down. Being honest, it was a little bit more of a challenge than I'd expected. I’d been wavering on the decision before Diogo had posted his comment and I didn't necessarily get the results I wanted or expected, but at least now I know. It would have sucked to sit here dreaming about something that never truly existed. I feel relieved and at ease now that things are in the open. My shell (if I do in fact have one) appears to get smaller on a daily basis and as yet it has not inhibited me enough to stop putting myself out there. Rejection doesn't scare me the unknown does.

I'm Impressed...

Some people are so bad and reading into situations, it's hard to believe they were there when the event occurred. Let's say four friends are sitting in a room and a cup drops on the ground. If we separated those friends and ask them all what happened, we'd have four different stories. I should really start carrying a video camera.

The Comedy of Errors

Life doesn't always turn out the way we thought it would. I've tried to figure out if there was one decision I made, one step I took, one door I closed or opened that was anymore important than another and although there are a few contenders, how do I know it wasn't the day I decided to call in sick or go grocery shopping instead of clubbing that made all the difference?

Lately, I seem to keep getting all these curveballs; things just haven't turned out the way I imagined them to. But in any case...

All's Well That Ends Well!!

Don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars...

(Yes Steve, I stole it, I'll hash it out some more but, I figured I'd post it before you do ;p )

The world is made up of Suns and Planets. Some people are Suns and some are Planets. Sun people shine, everything revolves around them, others depend on them for life. Planets are those that go through life following the path set before, content to revolve around others, content to not be the centre of attention, to not shine themselves, to follow their destine course. The planets need the sun for life, for a meaning, for a purpose. I would hate to go through life being someone else's Planet.

I don't get it

(Revised Monday, November 6, 2006)

Sometimes you meet someone's significant other or the person they're interested in and you can't help but think "What the hell?" I've met two guys recently and I thought they were both great people. They were funny, intelligent, decent looking guys. Than I met the girlfriend of one and I couldn't stop myself from thinking just a little bit less of him. I understand having a bad day every once in a while, but I had the misfortune of running into his girlfriend several times and the nicest thing I can say about her is that she was a perfect bitch. She was rude, obnoxious, jealous (did I say rude already?), she was mean to him and other people on the bus and I can honestly say she left a really nasty impression (I'm being polite). At that point in time, I had no interest in this guy other than friendship, but I thought to myself do I really want to even be friends with someone who can see this person as a potential life partner. He's since broken up with her and I don't know him well enough yet to ask what he was thinking, but you can believe I will eventually.

It's weird that who somebody is with can be as important as who they are. I think a significant other is a big reflection what someone wants in life. If you're willing to put up with pettiness, nastiness and internal ugliness that's up to you but I wouldn't want to intertwine my life with someone like that.

I recant my statement on the other possible relationship because, basically, who the hell am I to speak? You never know they may be the making of each other. She's not a bad person, I guess I was just in a bad mood.

Get Real

Is reality like beauty in the eye of the beholder? Does each individual craft their own reality based on their perceptions of observations? Does something only become real because we need it to be? When I die does my reality cease to exist?

I don’t know, but what I do know is that is definitely time for me to go to bed.

Restless

When I can’t sleep I normally like to read. Tonight I just can’t seem to find anything to interest me. I’ve been listening to some of my favourite artists and some new stuff. As much as I love a good beat, I need the lyrics of a song to speak to me in order to really enjoy it. When I was little, if ever my dad was away from me (My mom, brother and I moved back to Canada before my dad did and whenever I’d spend the time with relatives) he’d call and sing “I just called to say I love you”. On Saturday mornings we’d have dances in our living room. My dad would DJ so it was normally Calypsos, Otis Redding or The Manhattans. I had the first CD player on my block (when they were still really expensive and barely anyone sold CD’s). My first CD was Mary J. Blige’s”What’s the 411?” and my favourite song on the album was “Real Love”.

It’s weird what you think about at 2:21 in the morning.

Morals and Values 101

I have a bus buddy in my Thursday evening class. We live about 5 minutes apart so we ride the bus home together. Since my Thursday night professor couldn’t care less about learning our names it's been a challenge getting to know the other people in the class because you don’t know their names and you feel like an idiot 2 months into the course finally introducing yourself to them. My bus buddy, Minisha (spelling uncertain), and I starting giving everyone names. There’s Pretty Boy who is just too beautiful to describe. We’ve decided he can’t be too bright as it would just be unfair to the world to have someone be that good looking AND smart. There’s Rat Tail he’s this really dirty looking guy with a long ponytail and he never seems to be on the same page as the rest of the class. Spike (Mr. Conversation), seems to be the most intelligent male in the class, named for his incredibly precise hairstyle (Side note: we didn’t talk much last class because a friend of mine sat between us. As well, I just didn’t feel like talking). British G, aka Obnoxious Tutorial Girl, who always has to show off how smart she is and how great her British accent is. For some reason this particular group of people make me think of high school. Talk about deja vu.

We’ve come up with a plan on how to learn everyone’s names and if we’re successful I’d be extremely surprised.

It's a thin line

How to let it go? Do you need to stop feeling anything or start hating someone before you’re ready to move on? The saying goes “there’s a thin line between love and hate.” That being true is it possible that the worst that could happen is to stop feeling anything at all?

Disappointed…

Can’t help but feel a little disappointed. Occasionally, you meet someone and you feel something just a little out of the ordinary. And you start to wonder, consider what if or where could this lead if I let it? More often then not if the answer is nowhere you put a stop to it right there, but sometimes you can’t help but think maybe. You try to let things develop naturally, which is difficult, because you can’t help but wonder, what are they thinking or feeling. Am I reading too much into the situation? Should I take another step? Should I back off? Do I want this to lead anywhere? As much as I prefer to expect very little from others; it can be a challenge to keep expectations at a distance. Didn't count on someone coming around and giving me things to think about. It’s funny how raindrops fall.

A Bad Day....

See-through top and and poorly fitting bra.

That Time of Year

Yes, its official we've had the first real snowfall. I dusted off the Mariah Carey Christmas album (I actually did that a couple of weeks ago and started playing it at work. When I stepped away from my desk someone took it out of my cd player). I've already started buying gifts (Sorry, most of you don't count that much; so I wouldn't be expecting anything from me). I've placed my order with Nonna for the Holiday Meal (her Holiday Meal deserves to be capitalized as it's a thing of beauty). And I've sent off my letter to Santa:

Dear Santa Baby,

It's me again. I know it's been a while, but I still love you. Please come back to me. I miss you so much. Remember that night in San Francisco. We lay out under the stars. The champagne, the strawberries, the love we shared.

WAIT (sorry, wrong letter)

Dear Mr. Claus,

If you have been watching (which I know you have), I'm sure you would have noticed how exceptionally well behaved I've been this year. No drinking, No Drugs, No Smoking, No Sex. I think it's only fair that you deliver on my one request for this year. I'm not asking for world peace or domination, but if you could see fit to wrapping up Prince William (or Jon Seda (I'm easy)) and placing him under my tree, that would be great.

Thanks in Advance,

Love Always,
Marieseda

I Wish, I Wish.....

I didn't kill that fish!

Never Miss A Good Thing

When my older cousin died a couple of years ago I listened to So Alone a million times:

We were together just the other day
Taking life for granted, passing time away
I was there for you, you were there for me
We would be together for eternity
I never knew there’ll be sorrow
But I knew we’d be together tomorrow
Together forever we were so wrong
Now, I just can’t believe that you’re gone

And I’m so alone, alone
You never miss a good thing till it’s gone
And I’m so alone, I’m so alone
yes I amI really can’t believe that you’re gone, gone, gone

Life goes on and it’s not the same
Cause I can’t help sometimes calling out your name
But, then I realize that you won’t come around, no
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to see your smile
Oh, yes, we’ve had our ups and downs
Oh, what I wouldn’t do to have you cussing me out
I know it sounds funny, but what can I say
My life just ain’t the same since you went away

And I’m so alone, alone I miss you
You never miss a good thing till it’s gone (gone)
And I’m so alone, (ooh) did you have to go away
I really miss you......

Reading Karen's blog made me think of this song and that time in my life. That's the only time I can recall feeling that sense of loss. Losing him was one of those life defining moments that assisted in shaping the course of my life. I sometimes wonder how different life would be if my cousin had lived.

I Know My Stuff!

There are a lot of different issues I'll confess to knowing or caring nothing about, but when it comes to something that gets me excited or insprires passion I'll fully invest in it. In case you haven't notice the law is one of those things. There were times when I not only researched it, I immersed myself in it. I read, I watched, every discussion I had was centred on it. I've worked in a law firm and every day I deal with interpreting legislation. Usually, if or when I offer an opinion or fact of law I know what I'm talking about.

The other day, somebody made a statement about a fact of law that was completely erroneous and I corrected them, because honestly it was such a stupid statement I felt embarrassed for them in the event that they might ever utter it in front of another learned person. Her response was to basically pat me on the head, tell me I was wrong and continue on with her conversation. To say I was taken aback would be an understatement. I (not being one to back down) interrupted again so say that what she had spoken about, but an application I'd actually had to adhere when working in the office of a that type of lawyer. For some reason that allowed her to accept my statement and ask for further advice, but by that point I was so angered I had to walk away before I said something to really get me into trouble.

Because I look 18 it doesn't mean I'm a "stupid kid". I'm getting tired of people thinking you have to be a fifty year old, white male in order to be an authority on anything.

Choices

(I was reading Suzy's blog last night and realized this is along the same line as her HTWFAIP and the Beauty of the Human Mind (this is getting kind of weird))

I believe that our lives are shaped by the choices we make. I don't think that life just happens to anyone. We all hear the stories about people who rise up from the situations around them. People call them exceptional and inspirational; I like to imagine that foremost they considered themselves determined. They decided they wanted something and went after it. They didn't bother to let where they come from or the obstacles they faced determine what their lives would become. I can't stand to hear excuses about why someone doesn't have the job, spouse or life they wanted, you choose what you got, live with it.

If there's something in life you really want first you decide it's what you really want, you focus on it and go after it. I want to be a lawyer (I've been saying that since I was five), it's going to cost a butt-load of money that I don't have, I'm I going to let this stop me, of course not. To me this goal is something I've been focused on forever, I decided on it and I'm going after and taking every logical step along the way I can. I think Dr. Wierwille explains the concept fairly well in The Bible Tells Me So:

A camera offers an appropriate analogy of the means by which you can get results to prayer and find release from your prisons. If you want an answer to prayer, first get your object in mind. You select what you want in the picture. This is step one: you're clear on what you want. Secondly, you use the range finder and focus the subject properly. Then consider the length of exposure of the picture so that all factors may work together for a perfect picture. After all of this, shoot the picture.

I also can't stand when people are waiting for the "right time". There's never going to be a "right time". Life's not going to say "Okay, I think you've had enough, here take a break, go back to school, enjoy yourself". As childlike as I consider myself to be I have responsibilities that I must take care of and I don't imagine them going away anytime soon. From what I've seen life doesn't get any easier, we don't reach a point where everything settles down and smooths itself out. So, if someone's waiting for the "right time" I hope they're holding their breathe at the same time.

It's ridiculous to think that life's going to either wait for you or just hand things over. As my father loves to say "shit in one hand and wish in the other; see which one fills up first".

Consensus

I think we all agree "The One" is dead.

Like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, we will deem them all struck from the memory of humanity.

What shell?

To see the background for this go here.

diogo said...
These are brave statements. Lets put it to a test. Not that anyone is required to post results.Let down your guard once this week,assuming you have one to begin with. Evaluate the experience.The easier it was the smaller is your daily shell.

I love a good challenge. I'm more than willing to put money where my mouth is. Additionally, I'm willing to post my results here on Sunday. I've already taken a step to let down my guard (it took me a while to decide if I would or not). Now, I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Feeling Good

When I sent out the e-mail a couple of weeks ago asking to describe me in one word, Steve replied with alive. Today that's how I fell - Alive. I feel great, I look hot and I've got no school today which makes it one of my favourite days of the week. The gentleman who sat down beside me on the bus this morning smelled great. (and we all know how I feel about that (the wedding ring on his finger kept me from dragging him off)). It's going to be a good day.