A little ....

confused

Suck An Elf!

I'm not a big fan of swearing. More often than not you'll hear me saying "sugar" or "fudging", which are my versions of bad words (sometimes I'll even throw in a "suck an elf"). I generally have to be really upset or angered to use what I consider inappropriate language. What's funny is the one exception is that in certain social crowds I feel pressured to use bad language. I find some sort of cuss word must be thrown into every sentence or so by those around me. It's like people don't stop being rebellious teenagers and they need to do it in order to show "I'm an adult, look at me, I can use bad words!" And I'll stand there and I can feel them judging me for using correct grammar, refraining from profanity and saying "pardon" instead of "what" or "huh". I feel compelled to say something like "That's f*****g right!!" or "You're s******g me!!” I don't feel peer pressure when it comes to drinking, smoking or doing drugs, instead for me its bad language.

That’s Fucked!!!

Growing Up

I hate to admit to growing up because somehow it feels like I've lost the battle. I spent so many years running and hiding from it, that sadly, I feel somewhat relieved to think the process has finally caught up with me. It entailed a lot of little aspects of change, including buying a purse that can't be worn as a backpack, shying away from neon blue, pink and yellow eyeshadow and explaining to my sister not to interrupt when grown ups are speaking. As well, giving up the idea that certain friendships must be kept and certain loves can't be outgrown. However, I've discovered that growing up doesn't mean I have to stop laughing or having fun. I can still dress up for Halloween and play Monkey in the Middle. I can still enjoy my fairy tales (just not the ones where the princess is sitting there waiting for a prince to rescue her). I can build sandcastles, play with lego and have a conversation with a 4 year old about why I love being 4. I think as long as I don't have to turn into an "Adult" I'll be fine.

Don't Get Me Started!!

The One

When I hear someone use the phrase "The One" it sends a chill through my heart. There’s a scene in the movie Ever After that helps illustrate one of my many problems with “The One”;

Henry: Then let's say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?

If it’s “chance” than who really cares; it might or might not happen so why worry about it?

If it’s “fate” than who really cares; it’s going to happen anyway to why worry about?

Now lets think about it, if were all meant to be with that “One” why do more than 50% of marriages end in divorce. Does that mean we are all really terrible at finding “The One”?

Believe me I’m just getting started when I have more time and freedom (stuck in training room (being watched)) I’ll elaborate further on my disgust with “The One”.

Thanks Suzy

Another Broken Rule

My grandmother was the one who always said don't talk to strangers, but for some reason I just can't help it. It's so easy to talk to a stranger, you can tell them your whole life story and it doesn't matter if they judge you or if you feel you've shared too much as in all likelihood you'll never see that person again. I've had so many people confide in me all sorts of secret hopes, dreams, challenges and opportunities and I've confided in many of them. In general they are very supportive a lot offered guidance and if they can assistance. It's always interesting because you never know where the conversation will lead you. Some people have the most amazing lives and to think if I'd never taken the imitative, I'd have never met the truck driver who was missing his daughter because he and his wife were separated. Or, the cab driver who's also a prince and thinks I look like a singer from his country. Or, the cleaning lady at the Hilton who's husband had suffered a stroke and she had no one else to talk to. Or, the lady who couldn't stop smiling because she'd just found out she was going to have a daughter. All these stories, some of which would never have been told, if I decided to follow the rules.

Zombie Sighting

No, you’re not on the wrong blog, last night I was attacked by zombies. After class I decided to go and warm up with a nice cup of tea from the Second Cup on campus. I'd just paid for my beverage, grabbed a paper and found a comfortable seat when I heard this weird murmuring coming from outside. As it got closer I realized the words "Coffee Brains" were being chanted by a group of about 30 zombies. There were big ones and little ones, tall and short, white, black, brown, blue just all sorts of zombies. One approach and tried to take my double sweetener, double milk earl grey, but when he got a whiff and realized it wasn’t their desired commodity I was left in peace. After a little carnage and a lot of chanting they moved on to arcade and those of us left finished with whatever we had been doing and were on our way.

Training

While in training I've learned there are some do's and don't's

Do:
Try to complete the pre-reading - this allows you to participate in the classroom discussion

Don't:
Read a Star Magazine you've inserted in your training package as most trainers give the impression that the discussion they wanted to facilitate has nothing to do with Brangelina.

Made My Day

(e-mail received this morning)

dear, Marieseda
Why can't you skip a day\night of school on hallaween?
It's only one night. Oh well i guess i'm stuck with someone boring.

There's noone as fun as Y-O-U you to go with!

PLEASE!respond.
LOVE, Lil Sis

P.S.this is all me.

(sent by my favourite person in the world)

I'm F****d!!!

I've got 8 hours to read what my self-learning manual says should take 23.

Eye of the beholder

It's happened to me a couple of times lately where I'll be standing there talking to someone (usually an older lady) and they'll interrupt to let me know I really am beautiful. What kind of throws me off is they say it in a way to indicate they're only realizing it now. There's not much you can say to that other than thank you and continue on with the previous conversation. I have to wonder how awful I was looking before that people take such notice now (or I really have to start thanking my new foundation and eyeliner). Don't get it twisted, I'm not looking for compliments so don't bother, this has just been hanging around my mind.

Say Anything

I refuse to believe I'm the only one in love with Lloyd Dobler. There's just something about that character. I could probably write an entire blog focused on my love and devotion to John Cusack, but Lloyd will always have a special place in my heart.

Some of my favourite Doblerisms include:

Lloyd Dobler: Why can't you be in a good mood? How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood once in a while?"

Lloyd Dobler: Hey my brother, can I borrow a copy of your "Hey Soul Classics"?
J-Man: No, my brother, you have to go buy your own.

Lloyd Dobler: She's gone. She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.

Diane Court: Nobody thinks it will work, do they?
Lloyd Dobler: No. You just described every great success story.

Lloyd Dobler: I am looking for a dare to be great situation.

Lloyd Dobler: I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

Lloyd Dobler: You probably got it all figured out, Corey. If you start out depressed everything's kind of a pleasant surprise.

D.C.: Lloyd, why do you have to be like this?
Lloyd Dobler: 'Cause I'm a guy. I have pride.
Corey Flood: You're not a guy.
Lloyd Dobler: I am.
Corey Flood: No. The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't be a guy.

[on choosing a career]
Lloyd Dobler: How many of them really know what they want, though? I mean, a lot of them think they have to know, right? But inside they don't really know, so... I don't know ,but I know that I don't know.

Corey Flood: [Lloyd's letter to Diane] Dear Diane, I'll always be there for you. All the love in my heart, Lloyd.

Lloyd Dobler: [leaving the last of a series of messages on Diane's answering machine] "Maybe I didn't really know you. Maybe you were just a mirage. Maybe the world is full of food and sex and spectacle and we're all just hurling towards an apocalypse, in which case it's not your fault. I'm been thinking about all these things and... you're probably standing there monitoring. And one more thing - about the letter. Nuke it. Flame it. Destroy it. - It hurts me to know it's out there. Later."

Scent of a Man

There are those times when a man walks by or sits down beside you and all you can think is please come home, roll around in my bed, hug my pillow and leave.

Testing, Testing 1, 2, 3

I'm constantly testing people. Everyday I test the people I come into contact with. Usually it's just little things like is that person going to hold open the door, call back or say thank you. It's interesting the number of people who let their little actions speak poorly on their behalf. Failing to hold open a door, return a call (something I must admit to being guilty of) or offer thanks can show a lack of consideration and good manners. For the most part it doesn't matter if someone fails a test or two, I really only start to notice if someone was to fail on a consistent basis. Everyone slips sometimes, it’s when a habit starts to form that I get concerned.

On the other hand some people pass my little test with flying colours and I don’t even realize I was testing them.

This week Mr. Conversation was tested unintentionally and it allowed me to see if last week was a fluke or what. Again I got to class early and took my normal seat and waited for him to show up. I hadn’t planned on excluding his companion but the classmates I usually sit with showed up early too and the result was that if Mr. Conversation wanted to speak with me there was only room for him and not his friend. When he got there was no hesitation, he came and sat down beside me and picked up where we'd left off last week and again we talked all through class. I can’t say what I would have thought if that hadn’t been his action but I’m pretty sure I’d have seen it as a failure on his part. It’s weird to think of everything we’ve discussed in the past two weeks and I still don’t know his name.

Big Trouble

I am currently sitting at my boss' desk, dressed up in a bald cap, fake lashes, a hoop earring, a suit and tie. The reaction to my outfit was rather varied and bets are being taken as to whether I'll still be sitting here in 20 minutes when my boss shows up to work. I'm a little disappointed that they obviously don't know me yet.

O ye of little faith?

Excellence

"Our achievements are shaped by the terrain of our lives and the strength of the foundations we set. In building the life we've imagined, we must be true to our beliefs, dare to be ethical, and strive to be honorable. For integrity is the highest ground to which we can aspire."

"Is the result of caring more than others think is wise; risking more than others think is safe. Dreaming more than others think is practical and expecting more than others think is possible."

"Those who attain any excellence commonly spend life in a focused pursuit, for excellence is not often granted in easier terms."

"Excellence is an art won by training and habit. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but rather we have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."

Hide and Seek

I am "studying" for my new job in our training room. Some people would probably say that studying does not consist of playing with the white board (Fortunately, I'm not one of those people). As I sit here turning all of the keys on the keyboard black, I am desperately trying to think of words that include the letters "q", "x" and "z". In addition, I've got to come up with a way to incorporate the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 0 and the symbols -, =, [, ], \, /.

MY WORK HERE IS ACCOMPLISHED.

Have Gun, Will Travel

To recover from the stress/excitement of the last couple of weeks I've decided to plan the perfect weekend (Not this weekend, possibly the following one, or at the most the one after that).

The perfect weekend involves a lot of sleep. It all starts by turning of the phone and ignoring everyone for the entire 64 hour period (4 pm Friday to 8 am Monday). If everything goes as planned it will be a rainy Friday afternoon and I'll be able to walk home in the rain completely unconcerned about my hair or makeup. Next a bubble bath accompanied by a trashy romance novel (one of my few vices) and FutureSex/LoveSounds. Climb into a bed with freshly laundered, vanilla scented sheets and off to sleep I go. Saturday I have no intentions of leaving the bed other then for a cup and hot chocolate and some popcorn. The 10th Kingdom goes into the DVD player and I'm set til Sunday. Sunday starts off right with a trip to Empire for Dim Sum, which will be followed by a game of cosmic bowling at Markham Bowl. I'll speak no more than 10 syllables to anyone and be back home in time for another 16 hours of sleep.

Are we there yet?

South Africia – 73 more days to go

Pointless

The Everything To Do With Sex Show wasn’t even worth commenting about, so I won’t.

"If"

If you can trust yourself though others doubt you
And Conquer fears that limit what you dare
So you can then enrich the world about you
With skills and talents that are yours to share;

If you enjoy both quiet introspection
And festive times with friends and family,
If you make time for dreaming and reflection
But still find joy in others’ company;

If you can balance dreams with practicality
And deal in facts but never lose ideals,
If you can face the harshness of reality
And find the truths that prejudice conceals;

If you can be courageous when defeated
And humble in the face of victory
Or give your best until a task’s completed,
However difficult that task may be;

If you can be sincere when giving credit
And work at building bridges and not walls
Or strive to reach a prize until you get it,
Yet never fail to help someone who falls…

If you can temper facts with understanding
And manage well the things in your control
And neither be too lax nor too demanding
But keep in mind the worth of every soul;

If you can reach objectives, not begrudging
The patience, time, and effort you impart,
And look at others’ actions without judging
And see not with your eyes but with your heart;

If you can take resources that surround you
And use them in the way you feel is good,
You’ll be successful…and all those around you
Will be the richer for your womanhood.
Barbara Burrow

With High Honours

I graduated yesterday and I wasn’t feeling the excitement and satisfaction I’d expected, until I’m standing there waiting to accept my diploma and my name is announced and it’s followed by the words With High Honours. There was something hearing it proclaimed to the entire audience not only had I satisfied all the requirements of the program but additionally I’d achieved the highest academic echelon possible. I was once on the provincial executive of business club. The majority of the executives’ focus was on the provincial competition held in February. We stand up on stage in front of 2000 students, their family members, teachers and friends and officially launch the competition. As my name and position were announced the audience started chanting my name (my school had the largest membership with over 200 students) and that became the norm every time I was on stage. The feeling produced was that floating on air, can’t come down, this can never be topped kind of feeling (love, respect, appreciation all wrapped up together). I got that feeling again today when I looked into the faces of my grandparents. It’s always nice hearing people say they’re proud of you but seeing it made all the work, effort and sleepless nights worth it. I can’t wait to do it again.

Brokenhearted

Someone broke my heart yesterday. She’s nine years old and probably the last person in the world I would expect to hurt me. She really didn’t intend to and I know what she said was only shared at my insistence but it still hurt to hear. Sometimes it’s really a challenge to remember she’s only nine and has a nine year old’s mind. The sad thing is I knew what was bothering her before I asked. I did the big sister “thing” and said all the required comforting words and I can only hope that one day I’ll be able to forget what happened as she appears to have moved on before her head hit the pillow tonight

Negotiating Into Love

On my first day at work 4 years ago this girl sat down beside me and said, "Hey, Friend" and that was it, we became best friends. When we got laid off our friendship slowly started to deteriorate to the point that we hadn't communicated in over a year and a half. I've been thinking about her a lot recently and decided to give her a call.

When we first met she had been dating a guy for about 2 years. He was (and it sounds like he still is) a totally useless human being. He as no ambition or drive and many of his habits are things I have great difficulty putting up with. In the first four months of our friendship she broke up with him at least 3 times. During one of their break ups she started dating a childhood friend of hers. He was polite, attentive, friendly, he knew what he wanted in life and he was going after it. To my shock/horror she informed me that she is back with Mr. Useless and they are talking marriage. She said he's the only guy she's ever loved.

The concept of love has caused me great confusion. I think where my issue with love lies is in the, suggested, total lack of control involved. How or why do people just "fall in love"? I've read the different articles and writings on how people don't actually fall in love, but into a state of lust or passion and wish to give those feelings a greater value by claiming they're in love. Supposedly, those early feelings allow the relationship to develop to the point where a deeper sense of connection (i.e. love) may flourish (*cough* bullshit *cough*). People are lazy, it's easy to say "I had no choice" or "It just happened". "He makes me feel the way no one else had" (gag me please) feelings come and go (I feel tired right now, I am sure after a good night's rest that feeling will be gone). I hate when someone says "I just knew" or "He's The One". WHY? If you can't articulate an answer, I'm pretty sure it's because none exists. What happens if in 5 years you meet someone and feel a greater connection or you realize you were wrong and this new guy is obviously The One (which is another concept I'm not impressed with).

Therefore, the new approach I propose is to negotiate into love. If your at that point in your life where you feel it's time to get married and start a family, when you meet someone instead of waiting for that feeling or sense of something outside of the ordinary you follow these suggested steps. First, you both pull out a pen and paper or the old laptop and you start a list of things are essential and what would be additional assets. Next, exchange lists and start negotiations (deal-breakers should be dealt with first). If no satisfactory agreement can be reached you say good day and move on. If everything is approved set the date and give yourself a pat on the back. If this method proves unsuccessful, I would suggest an arranged marriage (which being honest is my preferred method). Yes, I'm being stupid, but is my method any more preposterous than basing what should be a life-long commit on a feeling?

(If you can’t tell, I’m tired and in a pissy mood over the illogical decisions females make)

Bite Marks

My past has been biting me in the ass.

In the past two months, I've run into more people than I had in the previous five years. And they've all managed to catch me on that one day (that day I treat myself to no makeup, a ponytail and jeans (it's mind-boggling, 93.82% (rough estimate) of the time I'm dressed professionally)). I've bumped into high school friends, ex-coworkers, ex-boyfriends (It's been a prolonged version of This Is Your Life). I never know what to do or say (people always go for a hug (It makes me laugh because some of these people I've never touched in my life and now they want a greeting as if we used to be close friends)). To add to my feelings of stupidity I rarely recognize the person or remember their name (The majority I would have passed right by and not realized it was them). I guess old age is finally creeping up on me.

Too Easy!!

In high school I had a classmate tell me that things came too easily to me. I didn't go to class and I got good grades. Whenever I needed something, I somehow got it. Things were just thrown at me (I had just won leadership positions in two clubs and an accounting award (admittedly, with very little effort). I attributed the comments to her being a bitch and left it at that. (Hint for Tip - M.V.)

Thanks to her, every once in a while I do wonder if things don't come to me too easily.

Example 1
Once again, forgetting I'm not superwoman, I volunteered for the charitable donation drive in at work. Since I was out of the office Monday, working hard on Tuesday and blogging yesterday, today was the first opportunity I've had to participate. They gave me tickets to sell for a raffle (the prize is a turkey (who wants a turkey?)). The chairperson handed me 50 tickets and said to bring back the extras when I was done. I had them all sold in a half hour (I had to go back twice for more tickets and ended up selling all of the ones we had on hand). Why is that impressive? I've been told that in the past two years raffles and other events have had to be cancelled due to a lack of participation. My manager called me into his office to say that my success was "ridiculous" (in a good way) and that I'm "totally in the wrong profession".

Example 2
As if my ego needed more stroking, at school (between whispering to the guy beside me) I couldn't give a wrong answer and after class the teacher called me over to ask for my help and gave me an extra assignment to complete (in a good way). You have to understand that this teacher hates us. He takes perverse pleasure in asking for the answer and than completely shooting down your responses. Some of my favourites - "No, that's not right", "Stop right there, did you even hear the question?", after an answer is given "NO! Does anybody else have the RIGHT answer?" (He's awesome!!). I was walking to the bus stop with someone from my class she pointed out that he’s never done that to me, even when I’ve given the wrong answer (a rare occurrence); he has always “respected” my thoughts.

It scares me to think what the world would be like if I actually tried.