PENIS, PENIS, PENIS!!!

Okay, so being the thoughtful, caring, considerate, wonderful friend that I am, when I went to Trinidad in 2008, I picked up a very special gift for my friend, Suzy. In fact I love Suzy SO MUCH that I bought her the exact some gift I bought myself and put up on my mantle. It was a beautifully decorated Penis Mug. Now I love my Penis Mug, but Suzy was not as excited as I was with my great find. IN FACT, she actually returned it to me and took a much less expensive and special souvenir. Which was fine because friends are allowed to have different tastes. Anyway, recently Suzy and Steve went to Morocco, and I of course am waiting for my reciprocal Penis Mug. Yesterday when I noticed her pictures on facebook, I commented on one to indicate I am patiently waiting, fingers crossed for my Penis Mug. On other picture I found a fantastic hat and told Suzy to forget the Penis Mug, I wanted that hat instead. Unfortunately, Suzy had to take the comments down... She said I'm not allowed to say PENIS on facebook... so here it is...
PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!!

Things that go through my head...

I've come to realize that I can be a very "not nice" person. Yes, I know this is something many people have picked up on some time ago and really isn't "breaking news", but today it proved extremely true and I thought I would share. first things first, those stupid TNA bags. Are teenage girls truly that dumb that it has become cool to walk around advertising "tits n' ass"? You can tell me until you're blue in the face that it is Touloula National Association or whatever the hell it's called, but I don't know a single person that sees that bag and doesn't think "tits n' ass" (maybe that says something about the company I keep)! Every morning I'm tempted to walk over to them and ask where they got the "tits n' ass" bag from, but I'm so afraid that they might not catch on to the sarcasm and engage me in conversation and I don't think my brain could take gaining that many stupid cells all at once. The next urge is one I don't think I'll be able to fight for too much longer. Every time that young, black boy rides his skateboard through the subway station, I can't help but want to say "DUDE, YOU'RE BLACK, COME ON!!!" Finally and probably the least nice thing about me, I don't know if I should share this, but here we go...
I currently sit in a shared cubicle with two other people. Their job requires a lot of concentration and quiet. I am not a quiet person and this has caused a "little" bit of conflict. I now must conduct the majority of my phone conversations in whispers. BUT, I've figured out the most passive-aggressive tool to use against them. THE NOISIEST FUCKING LUNCH IN THE WORLD. This is how it starts... I get an apple, some carrots, a straw, some chips, just think of things that make noise and it's in my lunch bag. I proceed to wrap everything in aluminum foil and then in put in a plastic baggy (if it come pre-wrapped I wrap it again!) I then take out everything all at once and begin to pull out my lunch single piece by piece. That means one chip *munch, munch, munch*, tussle bag, one chip *munch, munch, munch* and within 5 minutes I have the cubicle all to myself! Even better I've just started doing 6 smalls meals a day... I'm having too much fun!!! So there you have it I'm very "not nice" person!

My thoughts on change

I try to never complain about change, as I accept that it is a constant in life, but honestly at times I have a really hard time coping with it. I kind of feel like Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle (my mom's favourite movie). You know the scene when he's talking to the radio shrink about his wife dying and what he is going to do and he says "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while." I think when change first happens (regardless of what cause is, be it death, relationships ending, or just a change in a phase of life) the first few days I have to remind myself to get of bed, breath in and out and just keep pushing. As time goes by and slowly I begin to adapt to the change and the routine of getting up and doing what I have to do kicks in and with it the acceptance of the change, eventually I become content with my new lot in life and the need to feel regret for the loss of what was great and perfect slowly recedes as the memory fades. Sometimes I even find myself questioning if the time that was great and perfect ever really existed.

So true....

Failure

Failure does not exist. Failure is simply someone else's opinion of how a certain act should have been completed. Once you believe that no act must be performed in any specific other-directed way, then failing becomes impossible. - Wayne Dyer

I find this fascinating, the concept that failure does not truly exist. Imagine going through life and never having that fear of failure hang over your head. There would be no pressure, no shame, no self-doubt, that would be a great world to live in. On the other hand, failure can be a great motivator, I know there have been times I would not have have accomplished much if not for that pressure not to fail and to continually prove myself. I guess it's finding that place where fear of failure is not an inhibitor, but a motivator. As well, to base success and failure not on someone else's conditions but standards I have set for myself. I suppose it's looking at life as though the only person I truly can fail is myself, just as much as I can only be a success based on what I consider success to be. I'm not sure if that's a good thing?

Zero-Based Gratitude

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

- Albert Einstein


Zero-Based Gratitude

Perhaps you have heard of zero-based budgeting as a technique for governments, businesses, and occasionally individuals. Zero-based budgeting is in contrast to traditional incremental budgeting. In incremental budgeting, one starts with the budget for the last year, or other period, and prepares a budget for the next period based on the budget for the last period - incorporating whatever increases, or very occasionally decreases, are deemed appropriate.

Zero-based budgeting begins with a base-line of no expenditures, rather than the base-line of last year's expenditures. Each and every proposed expense must be justified on its own merits rather that falling back on the argument that it was in the last year's budget, and that everybody expects and demands it.

Most people's gratitude is incremental gratitude. If they receive a raise, a bigger house, a third car, a new love interest, or a healthy new baby, they are grateful. If they lose their job, are forced to downsize, have a tiff with their spouse, or have an illness in the family, they are disappointed and angry. Why disappointed and angry? Because they have not been blessed with as much today as they were yesterday.

Suppose our gratitude could be zero-based gratitude. With zero-based gratitude, we would be grateful for everything we had each day - regardless of whether it was more or less than yesterday. With zero-based gratitude, I can be grateful for a warm comfortable one-bedroom apartment, even if I had a four bedroom house yesterday. I can be grateful for being able to walk, even if I could run yesterday. I can be grateful all the people, the love, the food, the shelter, the services, the health, that I am blessed with today, regardless of what I had yesterday. With zero-based gratitude, I can be grateful each day for the gift of life itself.

Consider adopting the ongoing practice of zero-based gratitude.


http://www.dreamthisday.com/

Why I love my parents...

So I'm helping my mom to prepare Thanksgiving dinner and she sets aside the turkey neck for my Nonna. I'm sitting there looking at the turkey neck and decide to ask "Mom, what if they've been tricking us for all these years and that's not really the turkey's neck, but the turkey's shlong?" straight faced she turns to me and says "Tina, if that was the turkey's shlong, we'd be idolizing it, not eating it".

My dad and I stopped by a Chinese restaurant for dinner the other and as we were leaving I noticed a car with a bunch of little ribbon bows tied to the radio antenna. I ask "does that serve any purpose?" my dad's response had me pissing my pants "Yes Tina, it indicates that the driver's an asshole."

And that my friends is why I love my parents!

Perspective

I really appreciate this one. I hope you do too and ~ enjoy!

This is one of the best explanations of why there is pain and suffering that I have seen...

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: 'I don't believe that God exists.'

'Why do you say that?' asked the customer. 'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children?

If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain.
I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.'
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.
He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:
'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'
'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber.
'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!'
'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.'

'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me.'
'Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help.
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'

Dildos and my mom

So, I threw a bachorlette party for one of my best friend's a couple of weeks before her wedding. Suffice to say the drama involved has got me determined to elope when it's my turn. It went from a party of 20 to a party of 5. The only way we even made 5 was thanks to my mom giving in and coming out with us. I'd organized a great night of dinner followed by a passion party in a hotel suite we had booked. It's sad? interesting? confusing? to think the highlight of the evening was when my mom decided to use the massive, pink vibrator to massage her back.

Favourite Memory... Trinidad

So all of the Trinidad trip was pretty great, but if I had to pick a favourite it would have to be our trip to the pitch lake. We left my grandparent's house pretty early that morning with a driver my grandfather had hired for us. The first thing I noticed when we got in the car was that there was no seatbelts. The second was that the brakes were screeching louder than anything I've ever heard. Before we started our journey from the north end to the south end we made a quick stop in Port of Spain. At which point I told my dad he needed to pull out the seatbelts as I wasn't in the mood to die that day. Only able to locate 2 of the 3 seatbelts my mom ended looping her's into Sara's for safety and off we went. The first part of the day was great. We went to the pitch lake and had a very informative walking tour. (The Pitch Lake is a lake of natural asphalt located at La Brea in southwest Trinidad. ) Later that morning we headed to the mall and did the majority of our sovenior shopping. From there we were suppose to go visit my dad's aunt for a while before heading home. Unfortuneately, that was just not meant to be. It all started out with one missed turn. As soon as we left the mall all the driver had to do was making a left turn and we would have continued on as planned. Instead we went straight as Mr. Brown (the driver) knew a short cut. I'm not sure of the exact definition of the word short cut because generally in my opinion that does not mean the trip should take an additional four hours (thank God Mr. Brown was not being paid hourly). The upside to our adventure was that we got to cover most of Trinidad, during our time with Mr. Brown, the downside was that we got to cover most of Trinidad with Mr. Brown. After running us off the road onto someone's lawn, my confidence in Mr. Brown started to waiver. The next almost two accidents and getting lost 3 addtional times while lost did not help anything. The one thing I can confidently say is I will never forget my time with Mr. Brown.

My Thoughts... on Family Reunions

I love family reunions. We have one of those as seen in the movies, people don't really do that, who are all these crazy people kind of reunions. We have the egg and spoon race, the musical chairs, the inappropriately dressed girlfriend of a cousin and the insanely delicious homemade food. It's always a lot of fun and makes me appreciate how great our family truly is. We do one every two years and each time it's in a different location. This year it was in Trinidad and I had a blast. There's something about feeling and knowing you're loved by people you don't even know exist that hard to describe. You get there and everyone knows what you've been doing and what's been going on in your life and telling you they remember cuddling with you when you were just a baby and it's a really great feeling. One of the more interesting aspects of our reunions are some of the different "lectures" or talks that we have. This year a presentation was given on our medical history and another was given on financial planning. It's great to know we want each other to succeed and care about what's going on with one another. I have to say I truly love my family and feel blessed and privileged to be a part of such a great one.

Jonas Brothers = O.K. in my books

So, Sara and I did end up going to the Jonas Brothers concert. To make a long story short, I searched and searched for those stupid tickets everywhere. After spending 4 hours on craigslist I decided to check out kijiji. The first ad I saw I gave them a call and the lady had 3 tickets she had bought because of her 6 year old that no longer felt like going and was willing to sell them for whatever she paid for them. We call ticketmaster and it was as easy as transferring her tickets from her credit card to mine. There I am 2 hours later sitting on the lawn with Sara and Daniel for under $100. Sara was thrilled, she got her concert t-shirt and I officialy snagged the "best sister of the year (ever) award".

My Thoughts... on Marriage

Three of my best friends are getting married this summer. As long as they are happy, I'm happy for them. I'm actually going to be in the bridal party for one of them and it's made me think a lot about the institution and what my opinions on it are. So I started asking myself some questions and this is what I found:

What is my first thought when it comes to marriage?

I think Mae West said it best, ""Marriage Is a Great Institution, but I'm Not Ready for an Institution Yet. "

Do I actually want to get married?

Sure (some day in the very (very, very) distant future)

Do I believe a marriage can last in this day and age?

Absolutely (trust me, if my parents can make it work anyone can)

How will I know when I'm ready to get married?

A co-worker and I were talking about marriage and when I said I'm totally not ready to be married anytime soon because I'm not ready to be tied down or be responsible for anyone else but myself, she couldn't have agreed more. She said that if that's how I'm looking at it, as though it's a burden, I'm definitely not ready. She went on to explain she knew she needed to marry her husband when after years of being together, she couldn't wait to get home to him, to talk to him, to see him. When she couldn't imagine coming home to anyone else. When doing the things she'd never liked before was no longer a pain but a joy because she knew how much it would bless him to have all his socks tucked away properly or that special pie for dessert. When making him happy made her happy and vice versa is when she knew they were ready to get married. I thought that was great, the way she made it sound, you could tell she was married to her best friend and couldn't be happier. I'm sure there is no set way to determine when you're ready to get married, but there are a million ways to tell when you're not.

I personally don't believe that marriage is something that is right for everyone and I definitely don't believe that 'gun-shot wedding' is always (or ever) the answer for certain situations. I think the reason why so many marriages fail today is that people don't enter it with a "failure-is-not-an-option" attitude. It's more like "we'll-give-it-a-try-and-if-it-doesn't-work-out-we'll-get-a-divorce" way of thinking. I'm sure all marriages require work and attention as a key to success. When you start on the right foot of making the decision that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person and have put in the proper time and thought in making that decision your chances for happy marriage can only be increased. When the decision to marry is rushed or something you feel pressured into, I'm positive, that doesn't help your chance for survival. I don't even like to be rushed to place an order at a restaurant, I can't imagine what it is like for people who feel rushed into a marriage. I'm of the opinion that should you and another person enter into a sexual relationship, you should be pretty darn certain that spending the rest of your life attached to them is a possibility. Does that mean if you get pregnant you must marry them? Not at all, it means should you get pregnant be aware that this person may become a permanent part of your life. I simply can't believe that if you get pregnant you must marry the father of the child. I know for a fact that children benefit from having two parents in their lives that love them, but that doesn't mean they have to be married to each other. If someone makes you totally miserable and brings out the worst in you, because you may have made the wrong (and stupid) decision of sleeping with them, you don't have to multiply the wrong (and stupid) choices by now marrying them. I've seen families were the parent's openly hate each other and staying together for the kids couldn't be more wrong.

Okay, I can see I'm beginning to ramble on and because I have a million and a half thoughts, I'll have to continue on another day. If I didn't cut myself off soon I would end up writing the night away and that (trust me) would make me even more unbearable on a Friday, when I know I'm working overtime on the Saturday (is there possibly a sadder occurrence in the world than having to work on a Saturday?? (I think not!))

That's just my thoughts for now, but you can bet that won't be the last you hear on the subject from me!

The F**king Jonas Brothers

My 10 year old sister is in love with the Jonas Brothers. She has decided that she will one day marry Nick Jonas. I've never minded her obsession with them as up until recently they hadn't been all over the place. Since, Camp Rock came out 14 days ago, I've probably whatched the bloody thing 20 times (and believe me it wasn't worth watching the first time). They now have there own television show which basically shows you a day in their lives and to be honest I'm all for reality t.v., but to watch the same episode every single time it's aired, I think is deserving of the Best Sister Ever Award in and of itself. When she found out they were coming to Toronto, she begged to go to the concert, I (of course) stepped up and said if we got tickets I would go with her (simply because I didn't think either of my parents would make it through). I went Ticketmaster to purchase the tickets and was pleasantly surprised to see the price ranged from $20-$50, truthfully, compared to the tickets I buy, I thought it was a bargain. That was until I tried to purchase them and found the concert was completely sold out. Ticketmaster has this link (trying to be helpful as always (major sarcasm there)) to a site that may have some tickets available. I click on it thinking if it's not that bad I'll purchase my 2 tix and be on my merry way. It was fricking $100 for $20 tickets and $500-$600 for the $50 ones. I'm thinking good luck with that buddy if you actually think anyone is going to purchase Jonas Brothers tickets for that price. I've been checking back everyone once in a while see if anything reasonable had came up and every time I went back it seemed to get worse then before. When I checked last night someone had 12 almost front row tickets for $535 or $565 (something like that) and I'm thinking, watch that asshole end up with a bunch of stupid tickets left over. Sure enough this morning I checked the site and all 12 were gone. By the time all the service charges and everything is added that amounts to more than $7,000, some jerk just made over $5,000 (possibly more than $6,000) in profit because other people are just that stupid. It's a sad, sad day when someone pays $600 to sit in Molson Amphithatre seats. Sometimes I think the world is made up almost entirely of incredibly stupid people.

Vegas Baby!!!

Vegas was a blast!!! I would probably need to write a novel to explain just how fantastic that entire trip was. 14 women in Las Vegas for a bachelorette party is not a concept that is easy to grasp or put into manifestation, but when it happens it is definitely a once in a life time experience. We tried to do it all and it felt like we just barely got the tip of the iceberg. I can now say that I am a fully certified stripper (with a stripper license to prove it!) We went to the Bodies Exhibition which was truly exciting for me as I had missed it here in Toronto a while back and was thrilled to finally get a chance to see. I can definitely say I wasn't disappointed. The only thing is that you can't take pictures inside the exhibition (in order to protect the features (which does make sense)). If you're ever in Vegas or any city with Bodies I would highly recommend it. Since no Vegas trip is complete without a show we went to see Alicia Keys (with Jordin Sparks and Ne-Yo). They were all phenomenal!! So good that I saw the show again when it came here to Toronto. Considering that we bought our tickets like 3 hours before the show, we had pretty good seats. There was also a lot of sightseeing and partying (A LOT of partying), but that's a story for another time.

No more pain in the ass!!

So my bottom is almost completely healed and I couldn't be happier. After 6 months of having to wince every time I sit down I can now take a seat (mostly) pain free. If anyone wants to see the scar all they have to do is ask! Apparently what I had is called a perianal abscess and to be honest it was not very fun. Now that it's over and I'm free to enjoy life again (not that I really stopped (I did go to Montreal twice and Vegas for the first time while I was "suffering" from it)) I plan to enjoy it to the fullest (life that is not my ass) starting in Trinidad!!

Montreal or Bust!!

So when I hear there's going to be a severe winter storm my first thought is let's take a trip to Montreal (Duh!! Isn't' that every one's first thought). So we hear the biggest storm of the century and Dan, Kristin and I head off for Steve's 31st B-day party. So, we start out on our adventure fully prepared, we rent the car, get full insurance, full up on gas and we're on our way. The first car you see in the ditch gets you kind of antsy, but when the first car is followed immediately by a second, an overturned truck and the car in front of you spins up, antsy is no longer the word. Dan thinking out loud questions why they're ending up in the ditch and we're not and then in classic Shakespeare fashion foreshadows the day's events by telling us he thinks we'll end up in the ditch.

The first time we get stuck (trying to turn into a service station parking lot) I realize my hairstyle is probably not going to make it all the way to Montreal (honestly my biggest concern at the time). We were caravaning with Tibor and Steph and at this point I think we we're only like 30 minutes behind them (that would change!) After Dan and I fruitlessly try to get us out of the ditch a saviour comes along in the form of a very large and angry truck driver, who basically single handedly pushes the car out of the snow. A little damp we continue on our way.

Around 6:30 (by this point Kristin's been driving for almost 8 hours) we stop for some nourishment. Towards the end our meal some police officers stop in and you can hear them talking about all the stupid people (we chose to believe they we're talking about specifically the cars ending up in ditches and not just those of us on the road). We shortly thereafter head out and not even 5 minutes later we're sitting there in the ditch. To make a long story very short apparently we did not have all the insurance we thought we did and ended up being rescued by Rick the tow truck man. Rick kindly warns us that the smartest thing to do would be to get off the road for at least a couple of hours. We thank him for his help and advice and (of course) continue on our way.

We get behind a plow and think smooth sailings are ahead. We smoothly sail right of the highway onto an off ramp not realizing the plow had been getting off. We follow it to a service station to change drivers and promptly get stuck for the second time. Two plow drivers eventually come to our aid and we're off again.

Apparently, the day had not been challenging enough as the weather at this point decided to Fuck with us (I hate to swear, but there are no other words to express the extent of how awful, horrendous, just plain mean the weather became). Complete white outs. We slow to a crawl but persevere we do.

We finally make it to Montreal and happen to show up on Steve and Suzy's street at the same time as Steph and Tibor (another long story as they should have been there hours ahead of us). We're looking for parking as T decides he's going to park in the gas station parking lot and we watch in horror as he's car gets stuck. Thinking we don't want to end up in the same situation we turn at the street and go to pull a u-turn and of course we get stuck for the 3rd and final time. So although we made it to Montreal around midnight, we didn't actually get inside until after 1 am. We gave Steve one of the biggest surprises I'm sure he's ever received and stayed up talking until 8 in the morning.

The big question: Was it worth it??

Abso-fricking-lutely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the Grind

So after 3 months I've finally made my triumphant return to work. The first day back was great, I was all excited, couldn't sleep the night before, woke up early and everything (I just about skipped into work that morning). The second day I was still kind of excited, woke up early, wore clean clothes. By day three I was back to the pressing the snooze button 3 times, wait for the second bus and drag my feet as slow as possible on the walk to the building mode (it's scary how quickly you can adapt to a routine). Although I've only been gone 3 months a lot has changed, especially the people that are working there. The staff seems to have doubled in size and as if that wasn't bad enough (having to accustom myself to people working in my designated napping areas), I appear to have forgotten half of my co-workers names. I find myself walking through the halls responding to "Hey Marie, welcome back" with "Hey You!!" or "Hi Kar *cough* *cough*" and hoping their name actually begins with Kar. What was really sweet was that the office had passed around a get-well card which I received this first week back (accompanied by a very useful gift certificate). The only down side is I can't recognize half of the signatures on the card (which is sad, cause I'm sure it would help me figure out some of the names I've forgotten). Some of my favorite quotes are: "Quit faking and get back to work", "Take your time coming back to work but get well soon" and "This time has been a welcome reprieve, but do get well soon" (you can tell they really wanted me back). Overall, I'm really glad to be back as I was starting to develop a horrible Maury addiction (and was beginning to use the phrase "You are NOT the baby's father" on a daily basis) and my cell phone bill was going through the roof.

Oh yeah, and seeing my "friends" at work again is okay too!

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?!

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Pain in the ...

Okay, so I haven't felt like blogging much lately and let me explain why... This is what my day has consisted of for the past 2 weeks. I wake up around 9:30 am (you'll understand why later) I immediately pop 2 oxycodone... why you ask (great question) because in exactly one hour my torturer (more commonly referred to as a nurse) will show up. She will proceed to take a 2 foot length of salt-water soaked gauze and a giant toothpick and she will then shove that aforementioned gauze into an open wound in my "back". As much as you would hope the oxycodone would help, it really doesn't. All the oxycodone does is puts me to sleep for the next 5 hours. I wake up at 4:00 pm and spend the next 11 hours trying to get back to sleep to only fall asleep around 3:00 am. To say I'm not in the mood to write lately is an understatement. Maybe tomorrow I'll be in a better mood.

In-Salting Behaviour

My dad tells this story about when he was living in Bristol. He and his family went to visit an old family friend in Paris and for the first night a big feast was prepared. Everyone sat down at the table to eat and before grace was said or a single person served my dad asked for some salt, pepper and ketchup. He states the hostess went off on such a tangent he thought she would have a heart attack (he was also glad for the first time to not be fluent in French as her comments where not very complimentary). What he had done to offend her he couldn't understand, but my grandmother knew exactly what occurred. He had been about as rude as any diner could. To salt one's food without tasting it first is unforgivably rude. It shows a lack of confidence in the skills of the chef. Additionally, it is an insult to both the chef and the dinner's host (if they are not one and the same). There is also a bigger life lesson to be found here, the person who salts their food prior to tasting has demonstrated a closed mind. They made a decision prior to analyzing the data before them. If they do that with something as inconsequential as the food they eat what about the more important aspects of life. This is the kind of person that leaps before they look, which we all know is not always the best way to make a decision. Beware of the food salter (no offence Pops)!

Virus Alert

WORK VIRUS WARNING

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive
any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply
handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT START IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and
those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at
"work" have found that their social life is deleted and their
brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work"
at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with
the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub."
The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain.

If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the
document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your
hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and
order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this
action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be
of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest
cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do
NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the
"work" virus has already corrupted your life.

A Warning for all my male friends...

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted . After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humour!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

He's Just Not Into You - Revisited

So about a year ago I wrote this post and I have to admit it was one of my favourites. A friend of mine has questioned me on some of my assertions and so here is what I have to say. I made the statement that "If he is dating someone else he's just not into you." The main reason I think that girls have difficulty with that is for some reason we refuse to give up hope. Most girls as Suzy pointed out are willing to wait out a girlfriend under the belief that they are much better suited and eventually the guy in question will come to that realization. This false sense of hope is usually bolster by the actions of the guy in question. Guys in general are always looking for the next best thing. Even if the have the greatest thing in the world, they'll still keep an eye out for other possibilities. So he may call you or text you tease you or flirt, but at the end of the day he is still going home to someone else. The best and only option is to forget him and just move on. It's his loss not yours.

I think the biggest obstacle to recognizing that he is just not into you is a guy who possesses superficial charm. This is the guy that is super smooth and always tries to be engaging, charming, and slick. He is never shy or self-conscious and is not afraid to say anything. He is also quite cunning and manipulative and has learned exactly what to say and do to achieve his aim. He can be very difficult to identify as over the years he has managed to conceal his horns and his tail. Because he calls and remembers little details about you that may tell you he is interested but in what still needs to be determined. Taking it slow and getting to know someone is really the only way to truly decipher what a guy's interest is. For the most part the superficial charmer will not hang around too long and when he departs you should thank your lucky stars and do not even consider looking back.

There's more, but I'm tired (maybe later)

60 % of statistics are made up.....

43.7% of all statistics are made up right on the spot.
But I promise that all the ones I post are 72% authentic ;p

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
How do I apply for the job of the tester that watches a cat fall twenty floors??

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
And I've been telling people my nose just keeps getting bigger and bigger and was accused of the Pinocchio Syndrome.

A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day!
I'm going to start keeping track and verify their findings

A giraffe has a 20-inch tongue.
And people think Gene Simmons is impressive!

A snail can sleep for three years.
I never thought I'd be jealous of snails!

Close to 80% of people who watch the Super Bowl on television, only do so to view the commercials.
I'm not alone!

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover may be killed in any manner desired.
For some reason I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

An adulterous Greek male was sometimes punished by the removal of his pubic hair and the insertion of a large radish into his rectum.
We really need to consider changing the laws in Canada. I don't know a single man that would be willing to cheat if such punishment existed here.

In Switzerland, it's against the law to slam your car door.
This would be my dad's favourite law. He has banned certain friends of mine from receiving rides due to too many door slamming infractions.

In Lebanon it's legal to have animal sex, but only with female animals. Animal sex with males is a capital crime.
I'm not even going to ask.

Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium!
Totally unsurprised. I wonder how a pharmacist would fill out that prescription.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
My mom loves romance novels (I think I'm going to throw up)

The average person spends 2 weeks of its life kissing.
Does that mean I've used up my quota??

If you fart constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb
I think this means at the rate my dad goes he would have been able to produce at least 2 atomic bombs by now (as he gets older it only gets worse)

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
I dare you to try!

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!
This explains so much!