Dear Friends & Family,
I have diabetes, but I don't always look sick because of it.
I know that it can be difficult to know how to help. I always appreciate it when you ask me how you can help in a caring way. When you get a juice box when I have low blood sugar or a glass of water when I have high blood sugar, it means the world to me. Sometimes it's nice just to have someone to sit next to.
Nagging me doesn't help. Nobody likes to be told what to do, especially someone who needs to watch everything they consume 24/7 forever. And let's be honest: how would you feel if someone lectured you about calories every time you ate a hamburger?
When I indulge, I have a twinge of guilt. You can help by being there for me and understanding that diabetes is non-stop and
sometimes I just need a little break.
Show me you care by joining me on a walk, embracing a new cooking plan, or coming on my journey to learn more.
Diabetes puts me through an array of emotions. They're complicated and not always pretty. Sometimes I just need space.
Other times I just need a hug.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
I want to learn to play the drums...
When I was little I wanted to learn to play the saxophone so bad. I begged and pleaded, I even learned how to play the clarinet so I could easily transition to the sax. Sadly it never seemed to happen for me. This is the song that drove my craze for the sax...
To this day Wham's Careless Whispers is still my all time favourite song.
Lately, I've been going crazy for this song...
I'm sitting at my desk air drumming, head bopping, looking like a crazy person. It really makes me want to to learn to play the drums. I guess I'm gonna have to look into drum lessons!
P.S. The song that made me want to play the guitar...
It will also be my wedding march.
To this day Wham's Careless Whispers is still my all time favourite song.
Lately, I've been going crazy for this song...
I'm sitting at my desk air drumming, head bopping, looking like a crazy person. It really makes me want to to learn to play the drums. I guess I'm gonna have to look into drum lessons!
P.S. The song that made me want to play the guitar...
It will also be my wedding march.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Why I should have been an only child...
This morning as I was getting dressed I asked my 13 year old sister if my dress made me look pregnant. She told me "Don't blame the dress!"
Fable of the porcupine
Have you ever seen a baby porcupine?
It was the coldest winter ever and many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. After a while they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others allowed them to survive.
Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities
The Real Moral of the story..........
LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE!
It was the coldest winter ever and many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. After a while they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others allowed them to survive.
Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities
The Real Moral of the story..........
LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
An even more interesting article...
Brienne WalshAuthor: An Open Letter to the Women Who Are Telling Me It's My Fault I'm Not Married
_____________________________________
Every year, right around Valentine's Day, a flurry of women write articles directly addressing the large population of single women in New York.
This year, the two that I read were "Why You're Not Married" by Tracy McMillan, a "Mad Men" staff writer, in The Huffington Post, and "Dear Single Women of NYC: It's Not Them, It's You" by Jen Doll in the Village Voice.
Both articles share a message: "Women: it's your fault that you're not married, and you should stop bitching about how you can't find a good man."
These sorts of articles used to scare the ever-loving daylights out of me; now they're just infuriating.
I know it's my fault I'm not married. I know that in the future, if I don't get married, it will be my fault as well. And thanks to the advancements made by the women in the generation above me, it's my decision to make.
Because staying in a bad relationship just because it is heading towards marriage is like putting a plastic bag over your head, and just letting in enough air that you can stay alive.
So, I'd like to take a minute to directly address the women, or at least the type of woman, who are directly addressing these articles to me.
Obviously, marriage is not a fairy tale; stop telling us that.
McMillan wraps up her article with this "insight:"
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
But I grew up in a generation of women that literally never stopped hearing that marriage isn't a fairy tale. We were fed statistics about divorce in the same way that the Baby Boomer generation was bombarded with ICBM figures. Daily, we were told that men were not Prince Charming, that they would not vanquish a dragon to save us, rescue us from a tower or even just fight their way through a double transfer on the subway to come kiss us goodnight.
And so we learned how to expect literally nothing from a man. And do you know what happened because of that? We learned to let men treat us like crap. We came to believe that men were doing us a favor by settling down -- because otherwise they would be out spraying the world of willing women with their abundant seed. We were taught to be grateful if a man showed interest in us, and we became fearful at all times that he would leave us once he did. Women of my generation are still the second-class citizens of fairy tales: only now, we don't even have the chivalry or the ever-blooming roses to comfort us in our eternal boredom.
"All men want is for us to be nice to them." Do you know what men don't want? A lot of things that I really value about myself.
A few weeks ago, I was interviewing a woman who is at the top of her chosen profession. She's a single mother to her teenage daughter. She is enormously successful, well-educated, beautiful -- and never married.
Our conversation eventually -- and inevitably -- led us to the topic of why she never married, and to illustrate the point, she told me a story. "When I was younger," she said, "I was dating a man who told me: 'You're extraordinarily smart, and you're extraordinarily beautiful. You need a man who is either so strong that he can stand up to you, or so weak that you can walk all over him. I'm just a normal man. I'm not the man for you.'"
[20 years later, they met again, and she asked him why he had married his wife. "She made good sandwiches," he said.]
As I was leaving, she said to me, with a great deal of kindness: "You're pretty, and you're smart. It's a curse. You'll have a lot of difficulty finding a man."
It could have been crushing, if I wasn't aware of it already. For the first time in my life, someone openly acknowledged the dirty dark secret of my generation of women. And that is that all of the qualities we cultivate in ourselves from our first overachieving moments in elementary school to our graduation from the best universities in the nation -- confidence in our physical appearance, the ability to support ourselves, our cultured and well-read minds, the sterling pedigree of our schooling, our taste for healthy debate with our peers (both men and women) -- actually won't help us to find an equal partner. What it will do is make an "equal" man feel insecure, and what he will do with that insecurity is label us as "crazy." And crazy people aren't to be taken seriously -- they're to be medicated, dosed, tamed like "Kate," the eponymous shrew -- and made into the perfect wife. In essence, in order to participate in the ritual custom of marriage, we have to become shadows of our best selves.
So when you say to me, Tracy McMillan, that I have to work around a "man's fear and insecurity in order to get married," I say to you, why aren't you telling me that I should be going out to look for the men who wants a woman like me? (They do exist; some of them are my friends.) Instead of being told I need to medicate my "craziness" to pander to a man's itty-bitty oh-so-witty ego, I want a man who is every bit my match, and is not scared off by that. I want a man who appreciates that I enjoy sex. I want a man who loves that I can fire back a sassy comment like Katharine Hepburn on one of her lazy days.
I have a pedigree like an Arabian thoroughbred -- double Ivy League degrees in art history, the ability to speak in five languages, a resume full of prestigious jobs in the art world, a history of international travel that even Bruce Chatwin would gape at -- and it's come to the point that if a man doesn't immediately identify me as crazy, I question if he's even listening to me when I open my mouth.
When are women going to start telling women not to be afraid of raising children by themselves?
I'm a woman who both knows that she wants to have children, and who also knows that she'd like to have a few more opportunities to really, really fall in love. Because even though I know that the clock is ticking on my middle-aged ovaries, and even though I know that marriage isn't a fairy tale, I'd still like to actually be madly in love with the person I'm going to do all of this sacrificing and fighting and laughing and struggling with. I've been in love before, with men who were arguably (and endearingly) more troll than Prince Charming, and I know it can happen again.
In her article Doll quotes a friend as saying: "'If you could have babies easily into your 50s, I think you'd go on being single forever.'" She then follows the quote with the maxim: "But we can't. This is just a biological fact."
But it's clearly not a biological fact that a woman needs to be in a relationship to have a child. A decade from now, I know that I'll be making a more-than-decent living, and so, assuming I don't ask a friend to knock me up (hey, best friends make the best lovers, right?), I'll have plenty of money to pay for in vitro fertilization. I have many, many good friends, five siblings, relatively young parents, and over 20 aunts and uncles who would help me to raise that baby. I enjoy the perks of a thriving, enormous Irish Catholic family, but even if I didn't have over 50 immediate biological relatives, I still have the family that I've created from friends, mentors, lovers and co-workers in New York. And so do most women that I know. It might not be easy for us to be single mothers, but it would surely be workable, just another way of doing things that would have the same balance of happiness, sadness, and hardship as any other life I may choose to live.
All that I'm trying to say, ladies, is stop trying to frighten me; make me feel empowered. Speak to me like I can make my own decisions, and don't demean the difficulties I may be having finding a guy who I think is worth my time and energy. Marriage is a rapidly-changing institution. Let's discuss how it can be molded to fit our rising status, rather than trying to jam ourselves into some outdated ideal.
Meanwhile, leave me a little room for my fantasies and my fairy tales. If I don't dream of the occasional miracle, the found glass slipper, the kiss that awakens me from my slumber, how do you expect me to make it through the drudgery of life?
Follow Brienne Walsh on Twitter: www.twitter.com/briennewalsh
_____________________________________
Every year, right around Valentine's Day, a flurry of women write articles directly addressing the large population of single women in New York.
This year, the two that I read were "Why You're Not Married" by Tracy McMillan, a "Mad Men" staff writer, in The Huffington Post, and "Dear Single Women of NYC: It's Not Them, It's You" by Jen Doll in the Village Voice.
Both articles share a message: "Women: it's your fault that you're not married, and you should stop bitching about how you can't find a good man."
These sorts of articles used to scare the ever-loving daylights out of me; now they're just infuriating.
I know it's my fault I'm not married. I know that in the future, if I don't get married, it will be my fault as well. And thanks to the advancements made by the women in the generation above me, it's my decision to make.
Because staying in a bad relationship just because it is heading towards marriage is like putting a plastic bag over your head, and just letting in enough air that you can stay alive.
So, I'd like to take a minute to directly address the women, or at least the type of woman, who are directly addressing these articles to me.
Obviously, marriage is not a fairy tale; stop telling us that.
McMillan wraps up her article with this "insight:"
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
But I grew up in a generation of women that literally never stopped hearing that marriage isn't a fairy tale. We were fed statistics about divorce in the same way that the Baby Boomer generation was bombarded with ICBM figures. Daily, we were told that men were not Prince Charming, that they would not vanquish a dragon to save us, rescue us from a tower or even just fight their way through a double transfer on the subway to come kiss us goodnight.
And so we learned how to expect literally nothing from a man. And do you know what happened because of that? We learned to let men treat us like crap. We came to believe that men were doing us a favor by settling down -- because otherwise they would be out spraying the world of willing women with their abundant seed. We were taught to be grateful if a man showed interest in us, and we became fearful at all times that he would leave us once he did. Women of my generation are still the second-class citizens of fairy tales: only now, we don't even have the chivalry or the ever-blooming roses to comfort us in our eternal boredom.
"All men want is for us to be nice to them." Do you know what men don't want? A lot of things that I really value about myself.
A few weeks ago, I was interviewing a woman who is at the top of her chosen profession. She's a single mother to her teenage daughter. She is enormously successful, well-educated, beautiful -- and never married.
Our conversation eventually -- and inevitably -- led us to the topic of why she never married, and to illustrate the point, she told me a story. "When I was younger," she said, "I was dating a man who told me: 'You're extraordinarily smart, and you're extraordinarily beautiful. You need a man who is either so strong that he can stand up to you, or so weak that you can walk all over him. I'm just a normal man. I'm not the man for you.'"
[20 years later, they met again, and she asked him why he had married his wife. "She made good sandwiches," he said.]
As I was leaving, she said to me, with a great deal of kindness: "You're pretty, and you're smart. It's a curse. You'll have a lot of difficulty finding a man."
It could have been crushing, if I wasn't aware of it already. For the first time in my life, someone openly acknowledged the dirty dark secret of my generation of women. And that is that all of the qualities we cultivate in ourselves from our first overachieving moments in elementary school to our graduation from the best universities in the nation -- confidence in our physical appearance, the ability to support ourselves, our cultured and well-read minds, the sterling pedigree of our schooling, our taste for healthy debate with our peers (both men and women) -- actually won't help us to find an equal partner. What it will do is make an "equal" man feel insecure, and what he will do with that insecurity is label us as "crazy." And crazy people aren't to be taken seriously -- they're to be medicated, dosed, tamed like "Kate," the eponymous shrew -- and made into the perfect wife. In essence, in order to participate in the ritual custom of marriage, we have to become shadows of our best selves.
So when you say to me, Tracy McMillan, that I have to work around a "man's fear and insecurity in order to get married," I say to you, why aren't you telling me that I should be going out to look for the men who wants a woman like me? (They do exist; some of them are my friends.) Instead of being told I need to medicate my "craziness" to pander to a man's itty-bitty oh-so-witty ego, I want a man who is every bit my match, and is not scared off by that. I want a man who appreciates that I enjoy sex. I want a man who loves that I can fire back a sassy comment like Katharine Hepburn on one of her lazy days.
I have a pedigree like an Arabian thoroughbred -- double Ivy League degrees in art history, the ability to speak in five languages, a resume full of prestigious jobs in the art world, a history of international travel that even Bruce Chatwin would gape at -- and it's come to the point that if a man doesn't immediately identify me as crazy, I question if he's even listening to me when I open my mouth.
When are women going to start telling women not to be afraid of raising children by themselves?
I'm a woman who both knows that she wants to have children, and who also knows that she'd like to have a few more opportunities to really, really fall in love. Because even though I know that the clock is ticking on my middle-aged ovaries, and even though I know that marriage isn't a fairy tale, I'd still like to actually be madly in love with the person I'm going to do all of this sacrificing and fighting and laughing and struggling with. I've been in love before, with men who were arguably (and endearingly) more troll than Prince Charming, and I know it can happen again.
In her article Doll quotes a friend as saying: "'If you could have babies easily into your 50s, I think you'd go on being single forever.'" She then follows the quote with the maxim: "But we can't. This is just a biological fact."
But it's clearly not a biological fact that a woman needs to be in a relationship to have a child. A decade from now, I know that I'll be making a more-than-decent living, and so, assuming I don't ask a friend to knock me up (hey, best friends make the best lovers, right?), I'll have plenty of money to pay for in vitro fertilization. I have many, many good friends, five siblings, relatively young parents, and over 20 aunts and uncles who would help me to raise that baby. I enjoy the perks of a thriving, enormous Irish Catholic family, but even if I didn't have over 50 immediate biological relatives, I still have the family that I've created from friends, mentors, lovers and co-workers in New York. And so do most women that I know. It might not be easy for us to be single mothers, but it would surely be workable, just another way of doing things that would have the same balance of happiness, sadness, and hardship as any other life I may choose to live.
All that I'm trying to say, ladies, is stop trying to frighten me; make me feel empowered. Speak to me like I can make my own decisions, and don't demean the difficulties I may be having finding a guy who I think is worth my time and energy. Marriage is a rapidly-changing institution. Let's discuss how it can be molded to fit our rising status, rather than trying to jam ourselves into some outdated ideal.
Meanwhile, leave me a little room for my fantasies and my fairy tales. If I don't dream of the occasional miracle, the found glass slipper, the kiss that awakens me from my slumber, how do you expect me to make it through the drudgery of life?
Follow Brienne Walsh on Twitter: www.twitter.com/briennewalsh
Friday, May 06, 2011
My poor foot!
This morning as I was running to catch the last bus that would get me to work on time (not "technically" on time, more like 15 minutes late, and trust me just 15 minutes late is not bad (by my standards)). Anyways, as I was saying I'm rushing and I go to move a wall mount mirror (that I have mounted yet) and it slipped out of my hands and on to my foot. My poor little foot is trobbing like crazy. When I finally got to work 2 1/2 hours late, at least I was able to tell my boss that I hadn't cryed... a lot. Thankfully most of the swelling has gone away. Hopefully it won't end up like this...
Thursday, May 05, 2011
Happy Mother's Day!!
I know that I let everyone know on a pretty frequent basis how blessed my life is. A big part of why I feel so blessed is with the abundance of mother's I have in my life. I don't just have a mom-mom, I have work-moms and friend-moms and auntie-moms, there are just a whole lot of moms in my life. I thought that with it being so close to Mother's Day I should express my appreciation to all of them for all the encouragement and inspiration they have brought to my life. To the moms that have ensured that I get feed, that am clothed properly and supported in all my endeavours I thank and salute you. Although, I don't say it, I recognize all that you do for me and the other young women that are lucky enough to have you guys in our lives. I'd like to say a special thank you to my mom-mom, who was the only mom that showed up as the grade 8 trip bus was leaving to wish me a bon voyage because I would be gone for a week (even though at the time it was totally embarrassing). Also, for the time in grade 5, when she stayed up all night making a teacher gift, because she knew how much it would mean to me. As well, for last night when she give into my McDonald's craving, even though it was out of the way (I'm going to disregard the fact that she bitch and moaned about it afterwards). So, as I was saying a BIG, HUGE, GIGANTIC THANK YOU to the moms in my life and I wish you a VERY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!
yoozah.com - Free Glitter Graphics
yoozah.com - Free Glitter Graphics
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
F'ing the dog!
So this morning as I was getting off the bus the driver said to me, "Don't work too hard". It's not often that I accept advice from strangers, but for some reason this really struck a chord with me.
So today I f'ed the dog hard. I didn't just f' the dog, I tried new positions, used toys, I even got some of my friends involved!
Tomorrow I promise I will not listen to the advice of strangers!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Interesting Article...
Tracy McMillan: Why You’re Not Married
________________________________________
You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.
You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.
Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.
Well, I know why.
How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.
I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.
But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."
You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.
Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.
I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
Love.
________________________________________
You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.
You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.
Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.
Well, I know why.
How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.
I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.
But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."
You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.
Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.
I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
Love.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Reaching that moment...
For reference: I start work at 8:30(ish)am
For some reason I reach that moment where I just don't want to do anything else productive at 8:15am. I don't think that bodes well for me!
For some reason I reach that moment where I just don't want to do anything else productive at 8:15am. I don't think that bodes well for me!
S#$% my boss says...
So the other day I was working on something and I realized that somebody had submitted a form that shouldn't have come to our office. I went and asked my boss to make sure I was right before returning the form. At first he agreed with me and then as we were talking about it, he grabbed the file out of my hand and said that he just realized it was fine, there was a piece of the puzzle I didn't know, but not to worry about. (You would think the man had never met me before to make a comment like that!) For the next 4 hours every 5 to 10 minutes I would go into his office and ask what it is I didn't know. At around hour two he started to threaten to fart if I came back into his office. By end of hour four he had had enough.
HIM: You just keep picking and picking and picking and picking. I feel like a pimple that is about to burst and puss all over your glasses!!!
ME: Bobby, that is honest to God the most disgusting analogy I have ever heard in my life.
The information was revealed shortly after that and it was nothing super exciting. I later repeated the story to some friends that know the two of us and they could not believe that I had brought such a quiet, respectable, peaceful man down to that level. You can only imagine what my mom has had to deal with for too many years now.
HIM: You just keep picking and picking and picking and picking. I feel like a pimple that is about to burst and puss all over your glasses!!!
ME: Bobby, that is honest to God the most disgusting analogy I have ever heard in my life.
The information was revealed shortly after that and it was nothing super exciting. I later repeated the story to some friends that know the two of us and they could not believe that I had brought such a quiet, respectable, peaceful man down to that level. You can only imagine what my mom has had to deal with for too many years now.
That funny feeling...
Around two o'clock this afternoon as I was in the middle of something, my boss came and asked me if I normally do what I was doing first thing in the morning. I said yes. He asked was this morning a particularly busy morning. I said no. He than asked what happened today. I get the funny feeling he was not too impressed when I shrugged my shoulders and said "I just didn't feel like it" *sigh*.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Truths for Mature Adults
There are some truths that by a certain age you simply need to know. I found this list and thought that it summed everything up quite nicely...
1. I think part of a friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Picture Post for Antonio
So the entire trip I was looking for just the right souvenir for my brother and on our very last day I found this...
I couldn't have found something more perfect if I had made it myself!
I couldn't have found something more perfect if I had made it myself!
A Picture Post for Sue
So we're at the airport waiting for our flight to Orlando, when out of the blue my dad says, "Look! There's Sue!" So we all look over and I hear Sara say, "Yeah, it is Sue". I'm thinking what the hell are they talking about and then finally the 400 pound man blocking my view moved and there she was...
SUE!
SO I had to take a picture...
SUE!
SO I had to take a picture...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
PENIS, PENIS, PENIS!!!
Okay, so being the thoughtful, caring, considerate, wonderful friend that I am, when I went to Trinidad in 2008, I picked up a very special gift for my friend, Suzy. In fact I love Suzy SO MUCH that I bought her the exact some gift I bought myself and put up on my mantle. It was a beautifully decorated Penis Mug. Now I love my Penis Mug, but Suzy was not as excited as I was with my great find. IN FACT, she actually returned it to me and took a much less expensive and special souvenir. Which was fine because friends are allowed to have different tastes. Anyway, recently Suzy and Steve went to Morocco, and I of course am waiting for my reciprocal Penis Mug. Yesterday when I noticed her pictures on facebook, I commented on one to indicate I am patiently waiting, fingers crossed for my Penis Mug. On other picture I found a fantastic hat and told Suzy to forget the Penis Mug, I wanted that hat instead. Unfortunately, Suzy had to take the comments down... She said I'm not allowed to say PENIS on facebook... so here it is...
PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!! PENIS!!!
Things that go through my head...
I've come to realize that I can be a very "not nice" person. Yes, I know this is something many people have picked up on some time ago and really isn't "breaking news", but today it proved extremely true and I thought I would share. first things first, those stupid TNA bags. Are teenage girls truly that dumb that it has become cool to walk around advertising "tits n' ass"? You can tell me until you're blue in the face that it is Touloula National Association or whatever the hell it's called, but I don't know a single person that sees that bag and doesn't think "tits n' ass" (maybe that says something about the company I keep)! Every morning I'm tempted to walk over to them and ask where they got the "tits n' ass" bag from, but I'm so afraid that they might not catch on to the sarcasm and engage me in conversation and I don't think my brain could take gaining that many stupid cells all at once. The next urge is one I don't think I'll be able to fight for too much longer. Every time that young, black boy rides his skateboard through the subway station, I can't help but want to say "DUDE, YOU'RE BLACK, COME ON!!!" Finally and probably the least nice thing about me, I don't know if I should share this, but here we go...
I currently sit in a shared cubicle with two other people. Their job requires a lot of concentration and quiet. I am not a quiet person and this has caused a "little" bit of conflict. I now must conduct the majority of my phone conversations in whispers. BUT, I've figured out the most passive-aggressive tool to use against them. THE NOISIEST FUCKING LUNCH IN THE WORLD. This is how it starts... I get an apple, some carrots, a straw, some chips, just think of things that make noise and it's in my lunch bag. I proceed to wrap everything in aluminum foil and then in put in a plastic baggy (if it come pre-wrapped I wrap it again!) I then take out everything all at once and begin to pull out my lunch single piece by piece. That means one chip *munch, munch, munch*, tussle bag, one chip *munch, munch, munch* and within 5 minutes I have the cubicle all to myself! Even better I've just started doing 6 smalls meals a day... I'm having too much fun!!! So there you have it I'm very "not nice" person!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
My thoughts on change
I try to never complain about change, as I accept that it is a constant in life, but honestly at times I have a really hard time coping with it. I kind of feel like Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle (my mom's favourite movie). You know the scene when he's talking to the radio shrink about his wife dying and what he is going to do and he says "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while." I think when change first happens (regardless of what cause is, be it death, relationships ending, or just a change in a phase of life) the first few days I have to remind myself to get of bed, breath in and out and just keep pushing. As time goes by and slowly I begin to adapt to the change and the routine of getting up and doing what I have to do kicks in and with it the acceptance of the change, eventually I become content with my new lot in life and the need to feel regret for the loss of what was great and perfect slowly recedes as the memory fades. Sometimes I even find myself questioning if the time that was great and perfect ever really existed.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Failure
Failure does not exist. Failure is simply someone else's opinion of how a certain act should have been completed. Once you believe that no act must be performed in any specific other-directed way, then failing becomes impossible. - Wayne Dyer
I find this fascinating, the concept that failure does not truly exist. Imagine going through life and never having that fear of failure hang over your head. There would be no pressure, no shame, no self-doubt, that would be a great world to live in. On the other hand, failure can be a great motivator, I know there have been times I would not have have accomplished much if not for that pressure not to fail and to continually prove myself. I guess it's finding that place where fear of failure is not an inhibitor, but a motivator. As well, to base success and failure not on someone else's conditions but standards I have set for myself. I suppose it's looking at life as though the only person I truly can fail is myself, just as much as I can only be a success based on what I consider success to be. I'm not sure if that's a good thing?
I find this fascinating, the concept that failure does not truly exist. Imagine going through life and never having that fear of failure hang over your head. There would be no pressure, no shame, no self-doubt, that would be a great world to live in. On the other hand, failure can be a great motivator, I know there have been times I would not have have accomplished much if not for that pressure not to fail and to continually prove myself. I guess it's finding that place where fear of failure is not an inhibitor, but a motivator. As well, to base success and failure not on someone else's conditions but standards I have set for myself. I suppose it's looking at life as though the only person I truly can fail is myself, just as much as I can only be a success based on what I consider success to be. I'm not sure if that's a good thing?
Zero-Based Gratitude
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Albert Einstein
Zero-Based Gratitude
Perhaps you have heard of zero-based budgeting as a technique for governments, businesses, and occasionally individuals. Zero-based budgeting is in contrast to traditional incremental budgeting. In incremental budgeting, one starts with the budget for the last year, or other period, and prepares a budget for the next period based on the budget for the last period - incorporating whatever increases, or very occasionally decreases, are deemed appropriate.
Zero-based budgeting begins with a base-line of no expenditures, rather than the base-line of last year's expenditures. Each and every proposed expense must be justified on its own merits rather that falling back on the argument that it was in the last year's budget, and that everybody expects and demands it.
Most people's gratitude is incremental gratitude. If they receive a raise, a bigger house, a third car, a new love interest, or a healthy new baby, they are grateful. If they lose their job, are forced to downsize, have a tiff with their spouse, or have an illness in the family, they are disappointed and angry. Why disappointed and angry? Because they have not been blessed with as much today as they were yesterday.
Suppose our gratitude could be zero-based gratitude. With zero-based gratitude, we would be grateful for everything we had each day - regardless of whether it was more or less than yesterday. With zero-based gratitude, I can be grateful for a warm comfortable one-bedroom apartment, even if I had a four bedroom house yesterday. I can be grateful for being able to walk, even if I could run yesterday. I can be grateful all the people, the love, the food, the shelter, the services, the health, that I am blessed with today, regardless of what I had yesterday. With zero-based gratitude, I can be grateful each day for the gift of life itself.
Consider adopting the ongoing practice of zero-based gratitude.
http://www.dreamthisday.com/
- Albert Einstein
Zero-Based Gratitude
Perhaps you have heard of zero-based budgeting as a technique for governments, businesses, and occasionally individuals. Zero-based budgeting is in contrast to traditional incremental budgeting. In incremental budgeting, one starts with the budget for the last year, or other period, and prepares a budget for the next period based on the budget for the last period - incorporating whatever increases, or very occasionally decreases, are deemed appropriate.
Zero-based budgeting begins with a base-line of no expenditures, rather than the base-line of last year's expenditures. Each and every proposed expense must be justified on its own merits rather that falling back on the argument that it was in the last year's budget, and that everybody expects and demands it.
Most people's gratitude is incremental gratitude. If they receive a raise, a bigger house, a third car, a new love interest, or a healthy new baby, they are grateful. If they lose their job, are forced to downsize, have a tiff with their spouse, or have an illness in the family, they are disappointed and angry. Why disappointed and angry? Because they have not been blessed with as much today as they were yesterday.
Suppose our gratitude could be zero-based gratitude. With zero-based gratitude, we would be grateful for everything we had each day - regardless of whether it was more or less than yesterday. With zero-based gratitude, I can be grateful for a warm comfortable one-bedroom apartment, even if I had a four bedroom house yesterday. I can be grateful for being able to walk, even if I could run yesterday. I can be grateful all the people, the love, the food, the shelter, the services, the health, that I am blessed with today, regardless of what I had yesterday. With zero-based gratitude, I can be grateful each day for the gift of life itself.
Consider adopting the ongoing practice of zero-based gratitude.
http://www.dreamthisday.com/
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