Great Expectations

I don't expect much from others.

I would like to say there's no reason behind that statement, however, I'm trying to restrict lying for recreational purposes only. When I was younger I went through this period when almost everyone around me let me down. At that time I simply decided to call it one of the facts of life and became a lot more self reliant.

I was kind of shocked (disgusted) lately to realize I still feel the same way. I use my lack of expectations from others as a tool to stop myself from becoming angered, disappointed or resentful. When I found out about my new position at work I didn't get very excited and my co-workers couldn't understand why. The organization I work for once told me (2002) that I would be getting a permanent position and that the paperwork was just waiting to be sign. They lied and laid off myself and 60+ others. The sad thing is I really don't expect anything of anyone else any more. (I would like to point out that there are people who have never disappointed or let me down and I'm writing this as more as a way to explain certain aspects of my personality and some of the comments I make.)

On the flip side, I have the highest expectations of myself. Because I know how much the disappointment can hurt, I strive to constantly meet every expectation thrust upon me. They expect me to do well at school, I do. They expect to move up the corporate ladder, I do. They expect me to be helpful, cheerful, fun, exuberant, I am (usually?). It can be exhausting.

In a sick way, I've been accustom to constantly having new achievements to the point where I don't even savour my success anymore. I get a scholarship and immediately I start working on how to get a better one next year. I get a new job (I haven't even starting training for it) and I'm looking for my next career move. I am in my first month at university and I'm already studying for my LSAT. I keep telling myself that once I have this done or that accomplished I'll be content or satisfied (for a while anyway). I guess the good that comes out of all this is that keeps life interesting.

Like I said before, Tip told me after reading my blog (prior to "You're Killing Me!!") "You better be careful, it shows the weaker side of you", but like the title of the blog says it’s "Just My Thoughts".