Comforter

I have a makeup class to attend tonight. It's taking every ounce of my will to convince myself to go. There's nothing I would take more pleasure in then going directly home and straight to bed. The thought of my comforter and sleep is undeniably attractive at this moment in time. To the very core of my being I feel the need for my comforter.

I honestly don’t know what’s up today, but, as always Just My Thoughts.

Do unto others...

We shouldn't treat people the way they deserve to be treated, on the contrary, we should treat them the way they ought to be treated. Often people don't deserve the respect, affection and love we afford them, however, if we continuously bestow that upon them, we can live in hope that eventually they will garner such treatment.

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.
Anais Nin

Today I feel this more than ever before. There are many aspects of life where I see my constant growth and development and others that remain dormant and utterly immature. I wish to grow impartially.

Impending

I can't help but have the sense that something of great importance is about to transpire. I've been unable to shake this feeling for some time now and have on several occasions mistakenly thought the event had already arrived and yet the feeling remains.

Owner's Manual

Someone asked me about where the instruction manual for me is the other day and I must admit the question really made me laugh. Imagine how easy life would be if everyone came with instruction manuals. This is something I'm strongly considering investing some time into, creating an instruction manual for others on how to deal with me. As I come up with different directions I'll post them here for the benefit of those that must actually deal with me.

Getting There

It's always interesting getting to know someone new. At first you're not sure exactly what to share or to ask, but as things progress you enter somewhat of a comfort zone. That space where trivial matters no longer dominant the conversation however, closely hold truths remain unrevealed. You still wonder I'm I bothering them too much; I'm I not paying enough attention. There can be a lot of confusion involved in getting to know someone. I guess what really matters is making the determination that this person is worth the effort.

Random Thoughts

It appears that Break-up Season is upon us once again. Yesterday I had to console 3 friends that had just broken up with their significant other. I have a theory that Break-up Season occurs at 2 definite times in the year, once just before Christmas and again just before Valentine's Day. Of course there is another rotational time that varies according to date of birth.

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I've bought myself a bunch of Christmas presents (the first of which arrived yesterday). My love relationship with the holidays is definitely winning this year.

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Tonight is my last Tuesday night class for 2006 and I'm excited to think that next week I can be home asleep by 8pm (I'm believing for this to be the first year where no overtime is offered for the month of December (I like to dream big)).
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One of my favourite things about this time of year is the Christmas lights. On my walk home last night from the bus stop I was pleasantly surprised to see a number of homes all lit up.

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As for the smile on my face and the excitement that's been in my voice lately, there is one person to thank. I just wanted to say I really have enjoyed the conversations we've had and time spent. You've been just what I needed and in case I haven't said it yet, Thanks for being you.

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I think that’s all I have to say for today. Have a great one!!!

I don't hate pictures

So, in case you hadn't notice I'm off to Cape Town in 42 days, 3 hours, 56 minutes and 10 seconds. I figured I'd get a head start on the photo blog so here it is.

Interesting!!!

The Chia Pet Shrek looks just like my maternal uncle!!





(Another great example of things I say or do that gets me into trouble)

Not Thrilled

I like to think that I'm not a stupid person. In general I try not to put myself in situations that may cause me harm (I know I've made exceptions, but please let's not mention those in the comments (there's not enough space (Kidding (Kinda)))). I've taken self-defense classes, I try to walk around my school campus with other students, stay in well lit areas whenever possible and try to be conscious of my surroundings. When I got to school early on Thursday and decided to pick up a school newspaper to see the goings on around campus. The headline read, "Toronto Police Issue A Public Safety Alert - Student Sexually Assaulted". I read through the article and I have to admit I wasn't too impressed that the only time I'm hearing about this is over two weeks after the fact. The assault took place at 6:30pm in an area of campus that's fairly well lit and supposedly it wasn't the first one. On the way home I started talking to some of the other people on the bus and the rumour going around campus is that this is the third time in this academic year. This isn't the only incident to raise concern. There have been 4 robberies in the past several weeks and at least two have been at gunpoint. One took place in a school library. Two students were there studying and were robbed at gunpoint for their laptops.

It's not that I expect to live in a perfect world or that school is a special place were nothing bad ever happens (especially because of the area in which the school is situated), I would simply like to be informed in a timely manner when things are going on. Had I been told weeks ago about the different issues I would have taken some extra precautions (it's really not that difficult to do, I'll start them now). I just don't like the air of secrecy that seemed to surround the events. It would have been unforgivable had other incident happened because people just didn't know what to be on the look out for.

Beliefs I hold true

I may sometimes sound anti-relationship, anti-love or anti-men, but that's not the case at all. There are just certain things that I believe and others I have difficulty accepting. I don't believe all man are dogs. I know some great guys and I'm sure they'll be (or are being) excellent husbands and fathers. Judging all men by the ones that have done me wrong would be unfair and just plain stupid. I also believe that if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. Conversely, if he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. No changes that I make can do anything to change his mind and I can't tell myself he just needs to grow up or experience life or whatever, because it's not true. If he does all that and still chooses someone else, what's the next excuse I can give him? Slower is better. If he's going to be there, he'll be there. There's no need to rush into things or follow a certain time line to get things done. As well, I've recently learned, if a relationship ends because the man was not treating me as I deserve than honestly I can't "be friends" with him. A true friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. I'll never settle for less than I deserve (and believe me I know I deserve a lot). If something bothers me I'll let him know. I don't expect a mind reader or someone who is perfect because that's unrealistic. No man is more important than me, because we have different strengths and achievements, if he wants someone to lord over he's got the wrong female. People only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If I'm willing to let a man walk all over me, no doubt that's exactly what he'll do. Communication and compromise are the essentials to a great relationship. You can have a relationship without them, but it's not one I'd want to be in. I don't believe in looking for someone to complete me. Meeting people is fun, I don't have to be looking for "Mr. Right" but if he comes along that works for me too.

As always, Just My Thoughts

My Love

Justin Timberlake is coming to town:

When: Tuesday, January 30, 2007, 7:30PM

Where: Air Canada Centre

Price: CA $64.25 - CA $124.00

On Sale: Presently

Why: Because we love him.

Interested please let me know.

Disappearing Act

Does anyone else notice that as soon as someone says you have a great quality or trait, it disappears?:

"Hi, this is my friend, Marie, she's really funny!"

I now feel obligated to say something amusing. I feel my mind racing, trying to find something, anything to say to back up the claim. All the pressure usually results in the hilarious:

"It's cold outside, Eh?"

Someone mentions your wit, intelligence, your singing ability (Okay, I'll admit there's no singing ability) and they all disappear. I turn into a mute idiot, unable to add anything of value to the conversation. In future please ensure you set expectations nice and low, for example:

"Hi, this is my friend, Marie, she's okay (I guess)"

or

"Hi, this is my friend, Marie, and I really don't know why I'm her friend"

That would be great!

Thanking you in advance,
MS

Black or White

For some reason I can't see grey. Most things for me are black or white. Either you're right or wrong, something is true or false, or the answer is yes or no. Some people call it being closed or narrow minded. I like to think of it as being decisive. Grey is an excuse. A way to avoid commitment or making a decision. There isn't always a grey and I'm tired of people using grey as an easy way out of an argument.

Canadian Politics

Have you ever sat and listened while a 17 year old boy explains to you why the U.S.A. will one day invade and conquer Canada? You really have to wonder what they're teaching in elementary and secondary school to have raised this extremely insightful academic mind. I almost wished I'd had the energy to debate on the incredibly intellectual and well formulated theory.

Joy Luck Club

In high school we had to read the book and than got to enjoy the movie (Russell Wong is one sexy man). The part that struck a cord with me is the scene where the heroine is attending a Chinese New Year meal at her mother’s house she takes the “bad crab” for herself. Her mother later berates her for not going after the best for herself. Without a doubt I can say I never fail to go after the best for myself, however, I’m not willing to do anything to get it. I won’t lie, I won’t steal, I won’t cheat and above all I won’t hurt others in the process. In fact there’s a lot I’m willing to give up in order to help a friend. As I thought on this subject, a couple of people came to mind and it truly upset me to come to the conclusion that I don’t think they can say the same for themselves. I think if given the opportunity they’d not only stab me in the back, they’d proceed to use my body as a stepping stone.

Some disturbing thoughts. Yet again I think it’s time to seriously close some relationship accounts.

Deal With It

I recently completed training for my new job. A phrase I heard pop up repeatedly was “that’s not fair”. Whenever I hear an “adult” use it; I get the urge to smack them. I feel like saying “you’re not a little kid anymore; if life hasn’t shown you by now that it’s not fair, you must have been living in a matchbox.

Thank God for stress balls!!!

Total Lack of Contral

I don’t seem to be able to stop myself from doing things I really shouldn’t do. I’m sitting in class by myself (I’m early) and I notice that the chalkboard is actually a chalkboard and not one of those whiteboard thingies (which can also be a lot of fun). Today of course I must be wearing all black (yes, we all know where this story is heading) I couldn’t help myself, I had to. By the time the first few people showed up for class I’m standing there pretty much covered in chalk (I even managed to get some in my hair). I seem to be constantly listening to the voice of my inner child (I must say my inner child has quite the imagination and an extreme case of ADD) The other day I was using the computer and I see this button shaped like a present. I must press the button and see what will happen. Inner child strikes again, I completely mess up the screen making it a challenge to read or change anything resulting in a lot of frustration for me. I think inner child and I will need to have a serious discussion on what’s appropriate behaviour now that we’re an “Adult”.

Not Again!!!

I see that the topic of “the one” has once again reared its ugly head. I understand why it can be so appealing. From when we’re little kids everything and everyone tells us that the one is out there waiting for us. It hides in children’s stories where it is a reoccurring theme. Cinderella is “the one” for the prince; he must find her because she is his one. Snow White and Sleeping Beauty have to wait for “the one” (ei. Prince Charming) to come and awaken them in order for life to start.

As we grow older popular music reinforces that “the one” you must be with is out there. As All 4 One says, “They read you Cinderella, you hoped it would come true and one day your Prince Charming would come rescue you.” There’s Daniel Beddingfield’s “If Your Not The One For Me” and a million other songs that you’re “the one”. Or they tell us I thought you were the one but for whatever reason you’re not and imply that “the one” is still out there somewhere, waiting to be found.

To take it even further all areas of the media are buying into “the one” fallacy. T.V. shows, movies, books all are there to either help us find “the one” or to show every ying has its yang. The Bachelor, Friends, The Simpson’s, Only You, The Notebook, The Wedding Dress, any harlequin novel; basically it’s everywhere. We now get it in coming into our email forwards. If were all good girls or boys eventually the one will find us and we’ll live in our perfect world together, of course, happily ever after (my very unscientific study has determined that happily ever after now lasts approximately 3.56 years). It would be nice if there was some magical way to disabuse people of “the one” fallacy, unfortunately, my fairy godmother, Melinda is on a leave of absences (I think she’s looking for her “One” and the Easter Bunny)

Remembrance

There are some hurts we get so used to, that we start to tell ourselves we really don't want to let them go. We hold on tightly to many of the things of the past that hinder us from moving on, or froming growing up. In a weird sort of way, a past hurt as a way of becoming part of you. It becomes an old friend that you call on whenever you need an excuse. You can't do or be something because the old hurt still exists. Letting go of the old hurt is so undesirable and unwelcome you don't even want to think about. If I let go I'll have to take risks and the chance exists that I'll get hurt again.

And some hurts don't heal and it's hard to believe they ever will. Someone is gone and you can't bring them back and you'll always be missing a part of you, but they would never have wanted you to live life as if you had gone with them. It's hard to let go of the pain and despair but the memory of their life and what they accomplished should be the focus of thoughts. Remembering the hurt does nothing for us. It doesn't lift you up or make you smile or put joy in your heart. Thoughts of the time spent together and the connection you had is something that you can always be thankful for.

Blogging

So yesterday, first I got yelled at to go post something and than I got accused of having a secret blog. Honestly, people come on now, if you don't let me have a life how I'm I suppose to have anything to blog about. I also got asked about Mr. Conversation from school, were friends, he's a really nice guy, but I think we were always just meant to be friends. Today I have a lot of work to get done, but I promise by tomorrow I will have posted enough to last certain readers until the end of the week.

Getting Down to Business

I got yelled at to update my blog so I'm just following orders here (see lunch buddy I DO listen (sometimes)).

It's 2 weeks until the semester is over and it just struck me how much I actually have to get accomplished. Additionally, I should probably really pick it up at work as monitoring will only become more serious as the weeks progress. For some reason I don't feel stressed just a sense of urgency.

I'm class free tonight and looking forward to getting a head start on papers for Western Civilization and Modes of Reasoning. I might test out a few of the essays here and see what others have to say.

I've been having some really unusually dreams. But for the life of me I can't think of any of them to share. As much as I hate the cold I really love the snow. I'm trying to find the most annoying (least expensive) song singing tree for my cubicle. Last year I had 2 of them. Mysteriously a week before the holidays one went missing and turned up after the new year. I'm thinking it's time to bring in the jingle bells again (they were such a big hit last year).

I think lunch buddy may have been expecting a post about the smile on my face. Better Luck Next Time!!!

A little about me

Welcome to the 2006 edition of getting to know your friends. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends, if you did not know them already.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:02 AM

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Crank (I think)

4. What is your favourite TV show? Top Model (only night I'm home)

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Nothing

6. Favourite cuisine? Italian

7. What is your middle name? Marie

8. What food do you dislike? Vegetables

9. What is your favourite CD at the moment? Wham or Mariah Carey

10. What kind of car do you drive? I own a Grand AM, drive is a different story.

11. Favourite sandwich? Peanut butter & strawberry jam

12. What characteristic do you despise? Dishonesty

13. Favourite item of clothing? My "Daddy's Girl" t-shirt (long story)

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Australia

15. What color is your bathroom? It's another long story, it should be white, but it's kind of baby blue.

16. Favourite brand of clothing? Fredrick's of Hollywood (kidding)

17. Where would you retire to? California

18. What was your most memorable birthday? My 8th

19. Favourite sport to watch? diving

20. Favourite saying? No problem

21. When is your birthday? March 29, 1982

22. Are you a morning person or a night person ? Night

23. What is your shoe size? 9/10

24. Pets: never

25. What did you want to be when you were little? Prime President of the United Provinces of Canamerida.

26. How are you today? Decent

27. What is your favourite candy? Cheerios

28. What is your favourite flower? Fragrant Cloud or any hybrid tea roses

29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Any day I have off from work.

All I want...

I haven't asked for anything for the holidays in years. All I need is the chance to watch my holiday movies (Love Actually, A Christmas Carol, A Wonderful Life and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation), to listen to my two favourite holiday songs (Last Christmas & All I Want for Christmas is You) and spend some time with the people I love and I'm good. I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. Depending on the mood I'm in I either look forward to the cheerfulness or look for a place to hibernate. This year cheerfulness is definitely winning.

So I thought I'd share with everyone my two favourite songs. Last Christmas was posted earlier, so please enjoy:

Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas Is You

Sad but true...

I was once in love with David Bowie. If you're wondering how that happen all I can say is "The Labyrinth". I love that movie (it's bordering on sick obsession/addiction (I've already started my 12 steps)). This clip shows why I fell:



If you watched the video you are now probably wondering "what the hell?" Was it the makeup? the hair? I think it was a combination of the songs in the movie and the fact that he was willing to steal her little brother away.

In the event that you've actually seen the movie before, I found this clip that I think is amazingly well done and I had to share.




I told you I was a geek many times before now so don't feel shocked. You should have believed me.

Rolling with the punches

I always expect others to simply roll with the punches. Life happens, you deal with whatever situation you face and keep going. I have a tendency to let things roll off my back and there is very little that actual "gets to me" in the sense of comments or opinions people have about me. I guess I have my dad to blam... I mean thank for that. I don't want to say that he was hard on me growing up, however he's a very I-N-T-E-R-E-ST-I-N-G man and you'll learn quickly that he doesn't always say the most appropriate things (there was an instance with a lady at a stop sign, her baby and a banana/monkey joke that stands out vividly in my mind). You either had to learn to suck it up and give what you got or become an investor with Kleenex. Unreasonably, I expect others to have the suck it up philosophy and if they throw it back I feel a weird sort of connection. (Yes, I’m a very sick person) You'll know I like you if I'm comfortable enough to make fun of you. If I'm overly polite, I either don't like you or don't know you (If you're reading this and I'm usually polite to you PLEASE consider yourself to fall under the latter group). I get easily annoyed with people who don't seem to be able to let my comments not affect them as half the time I've forgotten what I've said before I've even completed the statement. I rarely think that people are taking me seriously as I have such difficulty trying to be serious. (In fact if anyone bothers to read my ramblings they would notice the use of the words - honestly, truthfully, admittedly are used on a regular basis - because even I feel the need to let myself know when I'm not joking around). SO, what I'm trying to say is for the most part people really shouldn't take it personal.

It’s me, not you.

I'm sorry, I had to

Wham - Last Christmas

Inadequate

I hate to see someone hurting. I always feel so inadequate in those situations. Almost like I should go and call a "Real Adult" to come and assist. One of my friends told me her aunt passed away this morning, she was really upset, but worried about getting her job done. I expressed my condolences and offered to listen if she wanted to talk. She said she just wanted to go home and be with her mom who is flying out later today to be with the rest of her family. She'd already checked with her boss who'd told her just to do the minimum and go home, but she was trying to push herself to get some of her other duties done. I convinced her to just do what she'd been told and go it's not going to make a big different if for one day her job doesn't get done but spending time with her mother comforting each other is something I'm sure they both need. I still feel kind of useless, like there was something else I could have done and just couldn't think of it.

Interesting

There were 3 very interesting smells on the bus this morning. There was a gentleman who smelled like Pasta Fagioli. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. I love Pasta Fagioli, it's one of my favourite dishes when I'm sick, but would anyone want to smell like pasta and beans? The next lady to get on the bus had that distinct air of baby prostitute. It was not what you want to smell at 6:30 in the morning. The next guy made me go "Hmm". He couldn't have been more than 16 and he smelled like "Old Spice". That is a scent which in my mind will always be associated with my grandfather (he's currently in his late 70's). So it just seemed like a big mismatch for a kid to be wearing it.

I got 7 good mornings back today. Obviously, it's going to be a great day.

Flushed Away (I wish)

There is nothing more disgusting than a women's washroom. At school today I walked into a washroom, it had 23 stalls, only one was ready for immediate use and there were 2 others that would have been suitable after a toilet paper seat cover, the rest were in various states of grossness. So called "squeamish" women do some of the most unspeakable things. So should you see me entering the men's room, it's not a mistake it's a conscious decision as I try to save myself from the horror that is the women's washroom.

Section 3 of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms

3. Every citizen of Canada has the right to vote in an election of members of the House of Commons or of a legislative assembly and to be qualified for membership therein.

Although it's a right afforded to every Canadian citizen, I don't believe everyone deserves to vote. If someone is voting who hasn't researched the issues or isn’t making an educated choice I'd rather they don't bother. Voting because you like someone's name, look or just to stick with the status quo doesn't work for me. I'd prefer they stay home and watch Dr. Phil.

Careless Whispers

Driving me CRAZY!!

I'm suppose to teach an old dog some new tricks. I'm really not looking forward to it. I have a feeling she'll make me lose what little mind I have left.

What's his name?

I laugh every time I hear that phrase. We both know you're not asking because you forgot his name, it's all about making a point. I also love that after asking the question the asker often answer themselves.

Where are they?

Does anyone else wonder where "they" are? The masses, the "they sayers", the planets. Everyone I know claims not to be one of them, so where are "they"? I've searched at work and at school and apparently my environments are full of suns, with not a planet in sight. I was just curious because lately "they" have a lot to say.

Cost of Living

It's official, I'm now earning over double my age (actually, it will still be double after my next birthday).

Free Week

The first week back from training is considered a free week. Nothing is expected from us and nothing is what I'm willing to give them. I've basically been on break or lunch since I got here this morning. I've read everyone’s blogs, hit the "Next Blog" button a hundred times and figured out to the second when I can retire. They've given me 4 files to complete this week (that should take a fully functionally agent half a day to complete). I love low expectations; it makes it so difficult to let people down. I found out on Friday that I won the award for my program at college. This should mean some sort of certificate/plaque and a monetary award. I could have found out sooner, but I didn't really bother to look. Fairly often I don't really bother to look or pay attention. I wish I had an excuse, but honestly I just don't care enough.

Drained

I've started a new medication and my body is feeling pretty drained. I guess it's just trying to readjust. I've never felt more of a need for a nap than I do right now. It's weird because my mind is racing, yet it feels like my body is in slow motion.

What day is it?

I stood at the bus stop and watched 3 buses go by before I could convince myself to get on one. Because we get Remembrance Day off today is my Monday and I really don't want to be here. I keep looking at the pictures on Steve's photoblog trying not to think that 53 days separate me from this:

Last Day of Training!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so excited I can't sleep. I have exactly 4 more hours of training left. I've aced all the test (2 - 94%, 2 - 97% and 1 - 100%). There's one more test to go later this morning. I have my celebration all planned out. I'm going to Dim Sum as soon as training is over and then shopping for shoes. I get to babysit my favourite person tonight (10th Kingdom here we come). I should probably head off to bed as I have some studying to do and today's going to be a busy day.

This Is Me

This is something I won’t often admit to as I don’t like to think about it, but here it is:

When I was younger I used to feel I wasn't enough. I wasn't quite black or white enough, I just never felt like I really fit in. Unfortunately, there were also people who used to tell me I'm not black enough, I didn't talk right or act right and I didn't look "white" so it was kind of difficult. I think that's why when I was 14 I really felt the need to go to Trinidad, so I could prove to myself that that is where I fit in. Going back I didn't feel that sense of connection. Before we even landed there I was feeling out of place. I was born in Trinidad, but we left when I was 3 and I was born a Canadian Citizen as both my parents are also citizens. On the plane they tried to tell me I had to declare that I was Trinidadian because that's where I was born, but I’ve never had any ID from there and I was traveling on my Canadian passport with my Canadian Citizenship card. I got kind of upset about the situation, but did as they ask and moved on. I loved Trinidad but it didn’t feel like home. There was no sense of belonging, it was more like “Wow, this is a great place to visit.” I’ll go back often to see family, but I don’t ever see myself wanting to live there.

Because I look black a lot of people expect me to relate more to that side of my background. Of my extended family the person I've spent the most time with is my Nonna (Italian Grandmother). We've made pasta together, tomato sauce, I've even gone and selected the tomatoes with her and spent the weekend cover in tomatoes as we make the sauce for that year. We can just hang out and chill (I’ll even watch the Italian soap operas with her). The one disconnect is that I don’t speak the language. When my brother and I were little my mom enrolled us in Italian language school. At that time many of the students were not willing to accept two black kids in their school and my mom pulled us out by the 3 class. Going to elementary and high school it was never an issue as it was a pretty diverse area we lived in (I’ve already blogged about the one interesting experience).

With the very minute amount of bad that comes with being mixed there is a much greater amount of good that I wouldn’t be willing to trade for anything. I’ve got family all over the world (every continent except Antarctica). We’ve been able to experience all sorts of different traditions (weddings, funerals, baptisms, family reunions). I’ve got the most insane extended family. It’s taught me to accept people for who they are and how to understand and be compassionate (yes, I can be compassionate on occasion). I love being a mixed kid and I look forward to helping the next generation of mixed children to never have to worry about not being enough.

MIKE "PINBALL"CLEMONS

Last night I went out to dinner with some of the people from my training group at work. I was sitting with an older gentleman and lady (both in their fifties and have been with the government longer than I've been alive) and our trainer who's in his late thirties to early forties. They all know I'm still in school because I've had to run out of training twice in order to make it in time for classes. The lady beside started to ask me about my schooling and ambitions (something I'm always willing to discuss), and then she started complimenting me, (something I'm always willing to hear). She went on about how I seem to really know my stuff (I told you so!), that I have a great speaking voice, I'm entertaining and she told me I should really consider a career in politics if I change my mind about law. So, as you can imagine I'm feeling pretty good by this point of the evening. The conversation moved on and we started to talk about Toronto (only the trainer and I are from this area), we covered politics and sports and the CFL. Out of the blue the older gentleman says I really remind him of Mike "Pinball" Clemons. Normally, I don't think it's considered a compliment for someone to tell a girl she reminds of a football player, but than he explained. He said he had heard Clemons speak at an event and that Clemons was such a captivating personality. He said up until Clemons started to speak he hadn't really been paying attention, but then when he got up there you couldn't help but feel his presence. He said you really “bought into” what Clemons was saying and that he was such a likable, real person. You felt his passion and that his smile was simply contagious. He than said that I really do remind of Clemons.

I think that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Lazy...

is a perfect description of me today.

Talk to me

I wanna take you home
To my place
Share my dreams and my fantasies
I can’t wait
I wanna show you things
You ain't never seen before
Girl I hear you crying
Crying out for more

Talk to me, talk to me
Am I doing this right?
Talk to me, talk to me
Are you feelin alright?
I've been waiting for this my whole life
And here you are tonite
I've been waiting for this my whole life
And I can see it in your eyes
Are you ready to stay up all night?
To see the morning light?
I’ve been waiting
And waiting
And waiting
My whole life…

So now here we are
Turn the lights down low
Or we can go fast
Or should I go slow?
I wanna kiss your lips
Is that okay?
I'm that guy, I'm that guy baby
You'll be callin' on my name
Sing it to me now

Talk to me, talk to me
Am I doing this right?
Talk to me, talk to me
Are you feelin alright?
I've been waiting for this my whole life
And here you are tonite
I've been waiting for this my whole life
And I can see it in your eyes
Are you ready to stay up all night?
To see the morning light?
I’ve been waiting
And waiting
And waiting
My whole life…

I …wanna cater to you
No... Nothin I wouldn't do
I tried to find words to say
I’ve never felt love in this way…
This wayy...
Ive been for this my whole life
Here you are tonight

I’ve been ready for this my whole life
And I can see it in your eyes
Girl are you ready to stay up all night
To see the morning light
I’ve been waiting
And waiting
And waiting
My whole la la la la lifee...

Will you be waiting….
My whole life….

I'm Officially Bored!!!

Training - Day 8

It feels like I've been in here for ever. The air is the stale, the florescent lights are killing my eyes, and my mind is slowly suffocating. I don't think I can take much longer of just sitting here. I miss my phone, my co-workers, my friends. In the past two days I've completed 3 tests and my right hand is going numb. My life-line (the blog) is becoming a tiresome chore. I miss the lady in the cubicle across from mine who is probably going crazy over the BS-KF split (I refuse to write their names). I miss being able to sneak in at 8:30 and have nobody notice. I miss my 45 minute morning break. I'm slowly going crazy................

I Concur

"Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to what happens; not by what life brings us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst...a spark that creates extraordinary results."

Some Self-Reflection

So we're sitting in the library and Ben reaches over to hold my hand and I look into his gorgeous blue eyes (there's nothing sexier than a man with blue eyes and dark hair) and I think to myself "what am I doing?" Ben's a great guy but he's just recently broken up with girlfriend and I've just recently ended the game I've been playing with a guy for over a year and here I am ready to jump back in. As I sat there listening to him talk about why Mathematics is the hardest major and how his teacher doesn't know anything, it struck me that I couldn't be less interested (in both the subject and him). Going with that train of thought I realized for the first time in a long time I'm not interested in anyone. There have been a couple of guys who were in the back of my mind, thought of as candidates, but as I dated each one mentally (it's a lot easier to date guys mentally than to have to put up with the real thing) I realized they're just not what I'm looking for because, right now, I'm not looking for anything. I think the pressure girls feel to have to be with someone (anyone) causes more panic and heartache than anything else. I get asked fairly often if am married or seeing someone and whenever I say no it's like I've failed a test. People at work keep joking that there must be someone new and that's why I'm all "fancied up" recently. I think it's sad that I can't want to do it for myself and have people accept that. If I wanted some random guy to full a void I doubt I'd have any difficulty in accomplishing that but right now I'm great on my own.

Thank You Very Much!!

That's not fair

Life's not fair. I think it makes life easier if that's a lesson you learn at a young age. How did I learn this lesson? Sad but true the movie Labyrinth is what taught me this crucial lesson in life. For those who haven't seen it the story is about a young girl named Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) she asks the Goblin King (David Bowie) to take her baby brother away. The movie is about her quest to get her brother back. She enters a world where everything changes and people lie and eventually learns the lesson that life's not fair. Another good lesson the movie offers is how somebody can take something they did and twist it and make it sound like they've done it all for you, when in reality the only person benefiting from their actions is themselves. Besides that, the movie has some great music (Who doesn't love David Bowie?)

I'm loving this...

This is the best blog I've seen to date Useless Advice From Useless Men.

I had to share with everyone my favourite post dated Tuesday, March 21, 2006:

QUESTION # 245: RENT-A-MAN

Dear Useless Men,After many bad relationships, I think I have come up with the perfect idea. The "Rent a man" You can rent a man to take care of the lawn, fix stuff around the house, squish bugs, and let the children know in a stern voice "Don't talk to your mother that way" then after some...ummm, other manly duties, let him go to wherever he goes, and just rent him on an as need basis, not having to serve him dinner, or supply him with clean socks.

What do you think about this idea...do you think it will work?? I think I'm a genius!!!

Dreaming of a Better Man

Dear Dreamer,

Utopian societies rarely flourish. And rest assured, what you have described here is as near a Utopia as has ever been imagined. Men getting paid to do the things which we usually receive as an unfortunate side effect of ourselves paying to secure regular sexual encounters for the rest of our lives? The only thing that would be better is if we went home to our meat-and-chocolate houses to bathe in beer.

No, unfortunately, the two genders - which might as well be two different species - are eternally entwined in a symbiotic relationship. What would invariably end up happening is this:

"Rent-a-Man, this is Jake speaking, how can I help you?"
"You can't. My name's Linda and I want my Rodney."
"Ma'am, Rodney is one of our specialists. He's out on another call right--"
"What!! That lying cheat! Give me his personal number!"
"Ma'am, you know we can't do that. At Rent-a-Man, all of our customers are special, and that means nobody gets preferential treatment. Besides, his personal contact numbers are confidential. This is all laid out in the contract you signed --"
"Confidential? I know how many moles are on his butt, Jake. Do YOU know how many moles are on his butt?"
"No, but that's not--"
"Eighteen. That's how many. Now are you going to give me his number?" "Actually, yes, because I just weighed the pros and cons and it could be him having this discussion with you rather than me. Let me put you on hold and I'll get you that number."

Later
"Rodney speaking."
"You lying SOB!"
"Customer ID 4458539? Is that you?"
"Don't you Customer ID four-four whatever me you lying dog. Get back here right now. The lawn's a mess, the children are crying, and I need a massage."
"But I--"
"NOW, Rodney!"
"Yes, dear."

Or, equally likely, is the following scenario:
"Rodney, what are you doing here? You're not still on the job, are you?" "Linda, I'm sorry, I know it's against the rules but I had to see you again. Those eyes. They're like two, big, beautiful blue breasts right on your face. That's how good looking your eyes are."
"I'm calling the cops."
"Good! I need as many witnesses as possible. I, Rodney Wilson Goodfellow, love you, Linda Customer ID 4458539. I even brought you a rose. See?"
"What was that thing you said about my eyes again?"
"They're like boobs, but on your face."
"How sweet! Would you like to come inside for some coffee?"

You see, men and women will fight any separation and naturally gravitate toward an equilibrium wherein we both make each other miserable. This shared misery is what leads many men and women onto the path of greatness. Without it, all we'd be doing is sitting around being happy and content all the time.

That's hardly conducive to a forward-thinking society that's looking to get ahead in the universe.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless

I'm sorry is there anything funnier than "They're like boobs, but on your face." ?

I think not.

Sorry!!

Been kind of harsh to a couple of people on a couple of issues. I’ll take this opportunity to apologize.

My bad.

(But honestly, deal with it and move on)

Happily Ever After

Why do stories end with happily ever after? Wouldn’t it be nice for a change to see a story start with happily ever after?

They lived happily ever after. They had 3 kids, bought a house, had great jobs and died peacefully, well into their hundreds.

I guess that it doesn’t make for as good a story, but every so often it wouldn’t hurt to hear a story like that.

Passed now, done, finished.

I loved him most when he was meanest, because I knew thats when he was lovin' most.

I remember everything you ever said or did. But that's passed now, done, finished.

(And Steve thought "I Wish, I Wish..." was me being mysterious)

Shell Update

So I let my guard down. Being honest, it was a little bit more of a challenge than I'd expected. I’d been wavering on the decision before Diogo had posted his comment and I didn't necessarily get the results I wanted or expected, but at least now I know. It would have sucked to sit here dreaming about something that never truly existed. I feel relieved and at ease now that things are in the open. My shell (if I do in fact have one) appears to get smaller on a daily basis and as yet it has not inhibited me enough to stop putting myself out there. Rejection doesn't scare me the unknown does.

I'm Impressed...

Some people are so bad and reading into situations, it's hard to believe they were there when the event occurred. Let's say four friends are sitting in a room and a cup drops on the ground. If we separated those friends and ask them all what happened, we'd have four different stories. I should really start carrying a video camera.

The Comedy of Errors

Life doesn't always turn out the way we thought it would. I've tried to figure out if there was one decision I made, one step I took, one door I closed or opened that was anymore important than another and although there are a few contenders, how do I know it wasn't the day I decided to call in sick or go grocery shopping instead of clubbing that made all the difference?

Lately, I seem to keep getting all these curveballs; things just haven't turned out the way I imagined them to. But in any case...

All's Well That Ends Well!!

Don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars...

(Yes Steve, I stole it, I'll hash it out some more but, I figured I'd post it before you do ;p )

The world is made up of Suns and Planets. Some people are Suns and some are Planets. Sun people shine, everything revolves around them, others depend on them for life. Planets are those that go through life following the path set before, content to revolve around others, content to not be the centre of attention, to not shine themselves, to follow their destine course. The planets need the sun for life, for a meaning, for a purpose. I would hate to go through life being someone else's Planet.

I don't get it

(Revised Monday, November 6, 2006)

Sometimes you meet someone's significant other or the person they're interested in and you can't help but think "What the hell?" I've met two guys recently and I thought they were both great people. They were funny, intelligent, decent looking guys. Than I met the girlfriend of one and I couldn't stop myself from thinking just a little bit less of him. I understand having a bad day every once in a while, but I had the misfortune of running into his girlfriend several times and the nicest thing I can say about her is that she was a perfect bitch. She was rude, obnoxious, jealous (did I say rude already?), she was mean to him and other people on the bus and I can honestly say she left a really nasty impression (I'm being polite). At that point in time, I had no interest in this guy other than friendship, but I thought to myself do I really want to even be friends with someone who can see this person as a potential life partner. He's since broken up with her and I don't know him well enough yet to ask what he was thinking, but you can believe I will eventually.

It's weird that who somebody is with can be as important as who they are. I think a significant other is a big reflection what someone wants in life. If you're willing to put up with pettiness, nastiness and internal ugliness that's up to you but I wouldn't want to intertwine my life with someone like that.

I recant my statement on the other possible relationship because, basically, who the hell am I to speak? You never know they may be the making of each other. She's not a bad person, I guess I was just in a bad mood.

Get Real

Is reality like beauty in the eye of the beholder? Does each individual craft their own reality based on their perceptions of observations? Does something only become real because we need it to be? When I die does my reality cease to exist?

I don’t know, but what I do know is that is definitely time for me to go to bed.

Restless

When I can’t sleep I normally like to read. Tonight I just can’t seem to find anything to interest me. I’ve been listening to some of my favourite artists and some new stuff. As much as I love a good beat, I need the lyrics of a song to speak to me in order to really enjoy it. When I was little, if ever my dad was away from me (My mom, brother and I moved back to Canada before my dad did and whenever I’d spend the time with relatives) he’d call and sing “I just called to say I love you”. On Saturday mornings we’d have dances in our living room. My dad would DJ so it was normally Calypsos, Otis Redding or The Manhattans. I had the first CD player on my block (when they were still really expensive and barely anyone sold CD’s). My first CD was Mary J. Blige’s”What’s the 411?” and my favourite song on the album was “Real Love”.

It’s weird what you think about at 2:21 in the morning.

Morals and Values 101

I have a bus buddy in my Thursday evening class. We live about 5 minutes apart so we ride the bus home together. Since my Thursday night professor couldn’t care less about learning our names it's been a challenge getting to know the other people in the class because you don’t know their names and you feel like an idiot 2 months into the course finally introducing yourself to them. My bus buddy, Minisha (spelling uncertain), and I starting giving everyone names. There’s Pretty Boy who is just too beautiful to describe. We’ve decided he can’t be too bright as it would just be unfair to the world to have someone be that good looking AND smart. There’s Rat Tail he’s this really dirty looking guy with a long ponytail and he never seems to be on the same page as the rest of the class. Spike (Mr. Conversation), seems to be the most intelligent male in the class, named for his incredibly precise hairstyle (Side note: we didn’t talk much last class because a friend of mine sat between us. As well, I just didn’t feel like talking). British G, aka Obnoxious Tutorial Girl, who always has to show off how smart she is and how great her British accent is. For some reason this particular group of people make me think of high school. Talk about deja vu.

We’ve come up with a plan on how to learn everyone’s names and if we’re successful I’d be extremely surprised.

It's a thin line

How to let it go? Do you need to stop feeling anything or start hating someone before you’re ready to move on? The saying goes “there’s a thin line between love and hate.” That being true is it possible that the worst that could happen is to stop feeling anything at all?

Disappointed…

Can’t help but feel a little disappointed. Occasionally, you meet someone and you feel something just a little out of the ordinary. And you start to wonder, consider what if or where could this lead if I let it? More often then not if the answer is nowhere you put a stop to it right there, but sometimes you can’t help but think maybe. You try to let things develop naturally, which is difficult, because you can’t help but wonder, what are they thinking or feeling. Am I reading too much into the situation? Should I take another step? Should I back off? Do I want this to lead anywhere? As much as I prefer to expect very little from others; it can be a challenge to keep expectations at a distance. Didn't count on someone coming around and giving me things to think about. It’s funny how raindrops fall.

A Bad Day....

See-through top and and poorly fitting bra.

That Time of Year

Yes, its official we've had the first real snowfall. I dusted off the Mariah Carey Christmas album (I actually did that a couple of weeks ago and started playing it at work. When I stepped away from my desk someone took it out of my cd player). I've already started buying gifts (Sorry, most of you don't count that much; so I wouldn't be expecting anything from me). I've placed my order with Nonna for the Holiday Meal (her Holiday Meal deserves to be capitalized as it's a thing of beauty). And I've sent off my letter to Santa:

Dear Santa Baby,

It's me again. I know it's been a while, but I still love you. Please come back to me. I miss you so much. Remember that night in San Francisco. We lay out under the stars. The champagne, the strawberries, the love we shared.

WAIT (sorry, wrong letter)

Dear Mr. Claus,

If you have been watching (which I know you have), I'm sure you would have noticed how exceptionally well behaved I've been this year. No drinking, No Drugs, No Smoking, No Sex. I think it's only fair that you deliver on my one request for this year. I'm not asking for world peace or domination, but if you could see fit to wrapping up Prince William (or Jon Seda (I'm easy)) and placing him under my tree, that would be great.

Thanks in Advance,

Love Always,
Marieseda

I Wish, I Wish.....

I didn't kill that fish!

Never Miss A Good Thing

When my older cousin died a couple of years ago I listened to So Alone a million times:

We were together just the other day
Taking life for granted, passing time away
I was there for you, you were there for me
We would be together for eternity
I never knew there’ll be sorrow
But I knew we’d be together tomorrow
Together forever we were so wrong
Now, I just can’t believe that you’re gone

And I’m so alone, alone
You never miss a good thing till it’s gone
And I’m so alone, I’m so alone
yes I amI really can’t believe that you’re gone, gone, gone

Life goes on and it’s not the same
Cause I can’t help sometimes calling out your name
But, then I realize that you won’t come around, no
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to see your smile
Oh, yes, we’ve had our ups and downs
Oh, what I wouldn’t do to have you cussing me out
I know it sounds funny, but what can I say
My life just ain’t the same since you went away

And I’m so alone, alone I miss you
You never miss a good thing till it’s gone (gone)
And I’m so alone, (ooh) did you have to go away
I really miss you......

Reading Karen's blog made me think of this song and that time in my life. That's the only time I can recall feeling that sense of loss. Losing him was one of those life defining moments that assisted in shaping the course of my life. I sometimes wonder how different life would be if my cousin had lived.

I Know My Stuff!

There are a lot of different issues I'll confess to knowing or caring nothing about, but when it comes to something that gets me excited or insprires passion I'll fully invest in it. In case you haven't notice the law is one of those things. There were times when I not only researched it, I immersed myself in it. I read, I watched, every discussion I had was centred on it. I've worked in a law firm and every day I deal with interpreting legislation. Usually, if or when I offer an opinion or fact of law I know what I'm talking about.

The other day, somebody made a statement about a fact of law that was completely erroneous and I corrected them, because honestly it was such a stupid statement I felt embarrassed for them in the event that they might ever utter it in front of another learned person. Her response was to basically pat me on the head, tell me I was wrong and continue on with her conversation. To say I was taken aback would be an understatement. I (not being one to back down) interrupted again so say that what she had spoken about, but an application I'd actually had to adhere when working in the office of a that type of lawyer. For some reason that allowed her to accept my statement and ask for further advice, but by that point I was so angered I had to walk away before I said something to really get me into trouble.

Because I look 18 it doesn't mean I'm a "stupid kid". I'm getting tired of people thinking you have to be a fifty year old, white male in order to be an authority on anything.

Choices

(I was reading Suzy's blog last night and realized this is along the same line as her HTWFAIP and the Beauty of the Human Mind (this is getting kind of weird))

I believe that our lives are shaped by the choices we make. I don't think that life just happens to anyone. We all hear the stories about people who rise up from the situations around them. People call them exceptional and inspirational; I like to imagine that foremost they considered themselves determined. They decided they wanted something and went after it. They didn't bother to let where they come from or the obstacles they faced determine what their lives would become. I can't stand to hear excuses about why someone doesn't have the job, spouse or life they wanted, you choose what you got, live with it.

If there's something in life you really want first you decide it's what you really want, you focus on it and go after it. I want to be a lawyer (I've been saying that since I was five), it's going to cost a butt-load of money that I don't have, I'm I going to let this stop me, of course not. To me this goal is something I've been focused on forever, I decided on it and I'm going after and taking every logical step along the way I can. I think Dr. Wierwille explains the concept fairly well in The Bible Tells Me So:

A camera offers an appropriate analogy of the means by which you can get results to prayer and find release from your prisons. If you want an answer to prayer, first get your object in mind. You select what you want in the picture. This is step one: you're clear on what you want. Secondly, you use the range finder and focus the subject properly. Then consider the length of exposure of the picture so that all factors may work together for a perfect picture. After all of this, shoot the picture.

I also can't stand when people are waiting for the "right time". There's never going to be a "right time". Life's not going to say "Okay, I think you've had enough, here take a break, go back to school, enjoy yourself". As childlike as I consider myself to be I have responsibilities that I must take care of and I don't imagine them going away anytime soon. From what I've seen life doesn't get any easier, we don't reach a point where everything settles down and smooths itself out. So, if someone's waiting for the "right time" I hope they're holding their breathe at the same time.

It's ridiculous to think that life's going to either wait for you or just hand things over. As my father loves to say "shit in one hand and wish in the other; see which one fills up first".

Consensus

I think we all agree "The One" is dead.

Like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, we will deem them all struck from the memory of humanity.

What shell?

To see the background for this go here.

diogo said...
These are brave statements. Lets put it to a test. Not that anyone is required to post results.Let down your guard once this week,assuming you have one to begin with. Evaluate the experience.The easier it was the smaller is your daily shell.

I love a good challenge. I'm more than willing to put money where my mouth is. Additionally, I'm willing to post my results here on Sunday. I've already taken a step to let down my guard (it took me a while to decide if I would or not). Now, I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Feeling Good

When I sent out the e-mail a couple of weeks ago asking to describe me in one word, Steve replied with alive. Today that's how I fell - Alive. I feel great, I look hot and I've got no school today which makes it one of my favourite days of the week. The gentleman who sat down beside me on the bus this morning smelled great. (and we all know how I feel about that (the wedding ring on his finger kept me from dragging him off)). It's going to be a good day.