Why did the lawyer cross the road?

(A collection of my favourite lawyer jokes)

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor says the man. I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me."
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A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.
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Q: What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road and a dead rattlesnake in the middle of the road?

A: There is skid marks before the snake
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Q:What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?

A: They grow taller.
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The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them.

When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened.

St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, "Don't feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a lawyer."
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It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
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There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus to work one day. He parked it right down in front of the firm where he worked to show it off to all his lawyer buddies. As he got out, this truck side-swiped the door and ripped it right off.

The driver stopped and ran to the lawyer saying "Are you alright, are you alright?

"The lawyer, now furious, started to scream and berate the driver. "What the hell do you think you are doing? This is my brand new Lexus...Ya know I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you for all you are worth!

"Then a policeman ran up to the scene and said to the lawyer, "Calm down! You lawyers are so materialistic it's disgusting! Don't you know, when that truck ripped your door off, it took your arm with it?

"The lawyer looked down and saw his left arm missing and said "Oh, God, . . . my ROLEX!"
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A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: "Justice prevailed.

"The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately." ________________________________________

De-evolution

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.
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Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.
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Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?

A: New Jersey got first pick.
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Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.
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Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.
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Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures eat them?

A: Even a vulture has taste.
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Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
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Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?

A: A doberman pinscher.
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Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.
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Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.
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Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
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Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.
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Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.