This Is Me

This is something I won’t often admit to as I don’t like to think about it, but here it is:

When I was younger I used to feel I wasn't enough. I wasn't quite black or white enough, I just never felt like I really fit in. Unfortunately, there were also people who used to tell me I'm not black enough, I didn't talk right or act right and I didn't look "white" so it was kind of difficult. I think that's why when I was 14 I really felt the need to go to Trinidad, so I could prove to myself that that is where I fit in. Going back I didn't feel that sense of connection. Before we even landed there I was feeling out of place. I was born in Trinidad, but we left when I was 3 and I was born a Canadian Citizen as both my parents are also citizens. On the plane they tried to tell me I had to declare that I was Trinidadian because that's where I was born, but I’ve never had any ID from there and I was traveling on my Canadian passport with my Canadian Citizenship card. I got kind of upset about the situation, but did as they ask and moved on. I loved Trinidad but it didn’t feel like home. There was no sense of belonging, it was more like “Wow, this is a great place to visit.” I’ll go back often to see family, but I don’t ever see myself wanting to live there.

Because I look black a lot of people expect me to relate more to that side of my background. Of my extended family the person I've spent the most time with is my Nonna (Italian Grandmother). We've made pasta together, tomato sauce, I've even gone and selected the tomatoes with her and spent the weekend cover in tomatoes as we make the sauce for that year. We can just hang out and chill (I’ll even watch the Italian soap operas with her). The one disconnect is that I don’t speak the language. When my brother and I were little my mom enrolled us in Italian language school. At that time many of the students were not willing to accept two black kids in their school and my mom pulled us out by the 3 class. Going to elementary and high school it was never an issue as it was a pretty diverse area we lived in (I’ve already blogged about the one interesting experience).

With the very minute amount of bad that comes with being mixed there is a much greater amount of good that I wouldn’t be willing to trade for anything. I’ve got family all over the world (every continent except Antarctica). We’ve been able to experience all sorts of different traditions (weddings, funerals, baptisms, family reunions). I’ve got the most insane extended family. It’s taught me to accept people for who they are and how to understand and be compassionate (yes, I can be compassionate on occasion). I love being a mixed kid and I look forward to helping the next generation of mixed children to never have to worry about not being enough.