When I was five I made a pretty big mistake, I fell in love. I fell in love with the boy that would be my first kiss, first secret boyfriend, first, second third, etc. heartbreak and the unrequited love of my life. Over the years I've told him everything my wildest dreams, my darkest secrets, right down to my deepest fantasies. I've shared things with him, that to this day he's the only one I've ever told.
After the last time things didn't work out I sent him an email and I told him everything. How his arms were my favourite place to be, how after every disappointment I kept hoping he would fight for me and he never did. I shared every last hidden piece of myself. I only sent it because at the end of the day I didn't want to sit there thinking about the things I never said. There wasn't anything held back cause I figured this may very well be my last shot. There wasn't anything left of me when I was done, I was exposed and raw and waiting to be let down easy. All I really wanted was to be set free, to get permission to love someone else, to move on knowing that it was just never going to be. Instead he said we should try.
And so I waited. I waited until I just couldn't take it anymore and went to make the first move. That's when he tells me he's met someone else and wants to see how it works out with them. I had shared all that I was, all that I am and he wanted to see if things would work out with someone else. How do you get over knowing that you weren't enough to have someone else be selected over you after you've put it all on the line. Its a feeling I would never wish on anyone. Its still there sometimes when I'm not paying attention, I'll forget to block it out or I'll watch a movie and see our entire scenario play out. I'll get this pain in my chest (not my heart, cause that was the last time I let him break my heart (not that there was much of it left from our previous experiences (than my next love ground to dust the little pieces that were left))). But, anyways, my chest still tightens and I'll see that look on the heroines face and know I've seen it before. Sometimes I'll stop the movie there cause I don't feel like watching her find prince charming.
Lately, I don't feel anything in regards to my past relationships. When my first cruch recently announced that he was engaged I didn't feel anything at all. Not sadness or jealousy or even a little confused, just nothing. It made me decide that it's time to get all of my failed loves out of my life. Cause I realized it doesn't help to have these reminders around of things that have caused me pain. I know I've never done anything but try to love them and they've done nothing but cause me pain and I know I deserve better than that. I told someone we can't be friends right now, but maybe sometime in the future when the past hurts don't cause pain, we can try again. Than I sat there and I thought about and I realized why that would never work. He was never a real friend, he's never had any real regard for my heart or my feelings. Why would I want to be friends with that. Someone who could hurt me and never think to apologize. I don't think his absence will be missed from my life at all.
Here's the crazy thing, after all that I'm still open to love, I'd still jump again if the right man came along. My one hope is that I never take out the pain old love has caused on the next man that tries to love me.
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