My So Called Life

Life is great!

I just started at the university I've wanted to attend since the first time I saw the campus when I was four years old (at the time I was trying to convince my mom I should go there instead of pre-school (I hated the particular pre-school I was attending)). I love the professors, everyone appears to think that I'm their age and not 6 years older and I'm even thinking of joining a club or two. I think I've just received a promotion at work (I haven't seen the paper work yet so I'm not a 100% positive).

Now, for the good stuff. (People seem to think I lead a much more exciting love life than actual facts support.) I like people in general which has been the cause of way too many sticky situations. The truth of the matter is that I haven't seen anyone seriously since I found out I was diabetic (I didn't want to be with me, why should anyone else have to put up with me?). So, why did I say time for the good stuff? I've made many changes recently the most important one has been letting people back into my life that I "kicked out" a long time ago. There have been four boys (now men) in my life that have been crucial to my growth and development as a human being.

The first we'll call my "first love". "First love" was that boy you fall in love with when you're five years old and you know at the time you'll get married and have lots of babies together. I waited 9 years before confessing my undying love (against the advice of many good friends) and to my great delight, horror, surprise, and shock he said he was interested (honestly, I was expecting to be let down easy). We carried on a passionate, secret affair for 3 months and than my parents sent me away for the summer. At fourteen, I guess I was pretty scared and unsure of my feelings and it felt like the longest summer ever (admittedly, I did fall in love twice while I was gone, but definitely didn't want to have babies with those two). I won't go into details or blame anyone for the end of our relationship but suffice to say by Halloween the love affair was over. I've recently send an offer of friendship to the "first love" in the belief that this will be another step on the road to becoming an adult. Additionally, I really did love him in my own way and miss many of the characteristics of his personality that I fell in love with.

At around the same time my first love ended I started talking to the man I will call my "Best Friend". We would talk for hours on end and at that time it was nice to have someone to talk to with no pressures or expectations. He's never left my life and I hope he never will as I love him more than words can express and should probably tell him that more often.

The next we'll call "My Confidant". I don't remember how we became friends as he seemed way too cool to ever have wanted to talk to me, but eventually it got to the point where things didn't seem as real or as vivid until I'd told him about it. I told him everything hopes, dreams, aspirations and he never made me feel like anything was impossible or tried to throw out the obvious obstacles as others did. When I realized I was slowly falling in love with "My Confidant" I started stepping back (for the longest time I didn't want anyone to displace my "first love' (believe me, that keep me out of a lot of trouble and stupidness)). I take all the blame on this relationship falling apart. By the time I got to my senses and decided to contact "My Confidant" he had moved on to some new and again I decided to back off. I missed having him in my life so much at times it pretty much brought me to tears. There were moments I'd forget he wasn't in my life and go to call him because I was excited and the let down from remembering that he wasn't there would take the thrill away from the situation. I recently saw him somewhere and ran into a mutual friend who suggested I give him a call. You know in the movies when someone reacts a certain way and you think that's not real I'd never do that, here's the initial conversation:

My Confidant: Hello

Me: Hi, Can I please speak to "My Confidant"

My Confidant: Speaking.

Me: My God!! Are you serious?! It's really you?! (Nervous laugh/giggle)

My Confidant: *Marieseda* is that you?

(Talk about a loser. So, I'm a dork, deal with it.)
We had a very long catch up conversation, it was great, it's weird but I felt so much better after we talked. You know the saying "you look like you lost your best friend"; well it felt like I had found one of mine again. I'll call him again soon and let you know what's up.

The last guy to be described has also just returned after a lengthy absence from my life. I ran into at the mall. The sad thing is I barely recognized him. I think I'll call him "My Cheerleader". He was the greatest thing to happen to my ego ever. He always pushed and encouraged me. Those times when I would doubt or question my abilities, he never let me think for a minute I would fail. He called me on all my bullshit and he'd let me know when I'd gone too far. The year before I found out I was diabetic and right after I found out I spent a lot of time pushing people out of my life and "My Cheerleader" was one of them. One of the first things out his mouth was that he's getting married. Normally, I don't believe in marriage at our age, but I truly believe that if anyone can make a success of it, he can. It was weird to have someone seem so excited to see me. As he screamed my name from across the mall, it took me a minute to realize it was him (I feel so embarrassed saying that). He gave me his cell number and said to give him a call which I did and we had a great conversation and he had all this wonderful advice and guidance for me and I felt like such a fool for the long separation we had had.

So, the good stuff is that I have all these wonderful men back in my life, not necessarily in the same positions, but I have no intentions of ever letting any of them go again.