My thoughts on... my Nonno

My grandpa past away recently and I seem to keep finding him in the strangest places. I'll hear his smile in someone's voice or see his twinkle in someone else's eye. I never realized how much I was going to miss him. I think what hurt the most was pulling up to the front porch the first day and realizing that I'd never find him waiting there for me again.

I always knew that I was going to have to be the one to say the eulogy, because has much as he may not have been the perfect husband or father, he really excelled at being a grandpa. It never struck me how draining the experience would be, but I slept right through the 2 days following his funeral. This is what I had to say about my grandpa Joe...

If there was a saying that could express the way my Grandpa lived it would be "eat, drink and be merry."

Grandpa was a man with many names, to some he was Pa or PaPooch to others he was Zio Pep, Giuseppe, Joe, Mr. Joe, but we always just called him Grandpa.

My Grandpa was never happier than when he was surrounded by family.

I've heard a lot of memories being shared of how people remember his laugh or his smile.  How much he enjoyed dancing or the basil leaf smell he had.  I personally will remember his singing and whistling and his love of Old Spice.  Some Christmas' I think it was the only present he looked forward to!

My Grandpa was a very loving man, who always wanted to make sure everyone was taken care of.  From when I was little Grandpa was always trying to sneak me a glass of wine or a bottle of beer.

I know that Grand had a special place in his heart for all his grandchildren.  We all got to be his special star at one point or another.  Antonio and I were first, with me on Grandpa's right side and Antonio on the left for every family dinner.  Next came Julia, Grandpa's garden helper, he loved his garden almost as much as he loved us.  Next was Sara, I don't think I ever heard him call her anything but his star.  Sadly, he used to steal her nose all the time and I think he forgot to give it back.  Finally Adam, I've never seen Grandpa happier than when he saw his male grandson, the one that would carry on the Di Tomasso name. Grandpa used to make sure we never left the house without a kinder egg, a pack of cookies and a $20 bill.

We all knew that we were loved and we loved him so much in return. 

Grandpa being the eldest child felt a special connection to all his siblings, nieces and nephews.  Whenever relatives would come over he'd have us run for a bottle of beer and make sure everyone was looked after.  He loved to spend time with family and always wanted to know when we were coming next.  Whenever you would say bye he would be quick to say "okay, I'll see you tomorrow!"

Grandpa was quite the charmer, he was always trying to make someone laugh or smile. He'd pull out his asthma puffer and asked if anyone minded if he had a smoke with a big grin on his face.  

Grandpa was a fixture on his front porch.  I can barely think of a time we'd pull up and not find him sitting there, he loved the outdoors.  He took great pride in his garden.  All of us had a turn at picking fruit from the trees.  Mom often talks of going fishing with Grandpa.  Winter, summer, spring or fall he loved to be outside.

The immediate family would like to express our appreciation to everyone that was a part of Grandpa's life, especially the family, friends and neighbours.  Thank you for all the support and kind words that have helped us through the last few days.  As we looked over the pictures that brought back great memories, what will stick with me most is that great smile that Grandpa had and the love he shared.

Thank you Grandpa!

My thoughts on... Ashley Wilkes

Disclaimer:  Understanding this post will probably require some familiarity with Gone with the Wind.

So last night Gone with the Wind was on AMC and it got me thinking.  When I was younger I fell in love with my own version of  Ashley Wilkes.  There was only one problem with that - Ashley Wilkes is the classical, ideal example of the "He's just not that into you" guy.  When I realized that my Ashley was Ashley Wilkes and found what I thought to be was Rhett Butler (but turned out to be just an Asshole (a story for another day)), I knew it was time to get over Ashley.

Ashley's main problem is that he's a gentlemen. In the movie when he had multiple opportunities to tell Scarlett that he just didn't share her feelings, he keep discouraging her with his words, but encouraging her with his actions. My Ashley did the reverse and encouraged me with his words, well discouraging me with his actions. His biggest problem was that he was constantly trying not to hurt any one's feelings. Not to say that having Ashley in our lives was an entirely bad experience for either of us, for Scarlett he gave her the courage to make it through the civil war and for me he loved me until I was able to love myself, in both cases he was able to accomplish that with little effort. For a long I made all the excuses that everyone does for a "he's just not that into you" guy. He just needs to grow up, he needs to experience the world, he'll realize soon that I'm the one. And than I started blogging and I recognized all the bullshit I'd been feeding myself. That I'd been doing the definition of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I realized that Ashley just wasn't that into me and I moved on.

I stopped loving Ashley a long time ago and I'm happy he's found his Melanie and truthfully I don't feel sad or jealous about the way things have worked out, because at the end of the day Ashley Wilkes is still Ashley Wilkes; I'm just no longer Scarlett O'Hara.  I've realized I no longer need or want Ashley in my life.

My thoughts on... Finally getting there

I finally did it!! I went to Australia!!

It by far was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I got to meet all of my extended family. Feed the kangaroos, eat the kangaroos, pet the koala, didn't eat the koalas, drove down the Great Ocean Road. Most importantly I made my dream come true and I did it all on my own. Traveling to Australia by myself had to be one of the most exhilarating and freeing experiences.

I decided to go on my own because I figured if I kept waiting for other people I'd never get there. A point that was driven home when I got to spend time with my uncles who had both recently lost their wives. Both had been planning to start enjoying their lives and traveling with their significant others when they past away. They both give me the same message. Never wait! For the right time, more money, til the kids are older. Just go, whenever, however, whatever you have to do, just do it and go.

I can't wait to go back and hopefully next time it won't  just be for a visit ;)

My thoughts on... The truth‏

Here's my truth. Recently, I've been in some bad relationships. Relationships where the other people involved didn't appreciate my value or add value to my life. People that tried to dull my shine. I've finally come to realize where the challenge lies in being unequally yoked. When you're with someone that's just not on the same level or page as you, it's a lot easier to sink down to their level, than to force them to raise up to yours. You can never be whole as a unit if the person you're with is just a fraction. The weirdest things can make you open your eyes.

A friend and I were discussing another friend's relationship and how he appeared to be trapped. Trapped by decisions that were made a long time ago. I sat there and realized that could be me, I was making decisions that would have had me trapped in relationships I didn't want to be in, unless I started making the changes that were required. It took making a stand and having uncomfortable conversations to direct my life on the course I want it to be. I feel so free right now, like the opportunities are endless and I couldn't feel that way until all the wrong doors were closed. Now hopefully when the right doors opens I'll be able to recognize it.

My thoughts on... Life

So I spent most of today (shhh, don't tell my boss) going over my old posts.  I was sitting here at my desk laughing and crying and when it was all said and done, I was like DAMN, I MISS THAT GIRL!!  I think it's time to make more of an effort in reviving the old me.   I did something 2 days ago and for the first time in over 5 years I feel free.  I haven't made a decision in a long time that has made me feel that good.  It's weird cause sometimes we forget that the worst prisons are the ones that are in our minds.  I didn't even realize I felt so constrained until I took that first breathe after becoming free.  There's so much to share about everything that's happened over the past few years, stuff that I'd start to blog in my mind, but never put pen to paper.  I started out this year feeling like I was trapped in 3 relationships and somehow I've managed to rid myself those 3 things that were holding me back in life.  I've learned to be excited and not fear the unknown.

At this moment I feel as content and happy as I can imagine being.  I learned so much about me today and I'm glad I've had this blog to come back to and have it remind me one that it's been a wonderful life and it's still just getting started.

“Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” ― Marianne Williamson

My thoughts on... Choices

I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I fully believe the above statement.  I know that I personally have been shaped by the sum total of every choice that I've made.  I know that I've made good choices, I may have just made a very bad choice, but at the end of the day it's my choice, I accept the consequences or the rewards that come with them. 

My thoughts on.. suicide in small increments

Do you ever get tired of watching people kill themselves in small increments.  Smoking, drinking, over-eating, negative thinking?  I'm tired of watching people commit suidcide in baby-steps.

My thoughts on... What is possible

"All progress in the world depends on a person who seeks opportunity—not security. A person who takes the calculated risk, to dream and to build, to fail and to succeed, who faces the world boldly and says, 'This is what is possible'."

I don't know how well you know me but I strongly believe anything is possible. If there is one thing that I actually hate it would be negativity. I can't stand to be told that I can't do something, there are very few things that I can't do (and I'm still trying to figure out how to do them (world demonation - here I come)). I dream big, I believe big, once I've made up my mind I'm going to something that is what is going to get done. I'm a lot like my dad in that fashion. The only thing that can stop me is me.

My thoughts on... Life Lessons

My two greatest life lessons were taught to me by David Bowie.  I must have been 6 years old when I watched Labyrinth for the first time.  To this day it remains one of my favourite movies (I also still have a girl crush on Jennifer Connelly).  Anyhow, the two lessons that he taught me were:
1) Life isn't fair
2) It's all in the way you can spin

Life isn't fair was an easy lesson to learn.  You don't always get what you want.  Sometimes you get what you want and it wasn't what you expected it to be.  Sometimes people get things they don't deserve, sometimes people deserve things they don't get.  Life is never going to be fair, deal with it!

It's all in the way you can spin anything.  People can claim to be doing things for you like turning the hands of time, changing the world upside down.  But when you really look at it, you realize it's all full of shit.  His actions in the movie weren't done out of selflessness, but to get what he wanted.  He could make it sound good, but that's just it, it sounds nice that he's done all of that and that's the extent of it.

So I thank David Bowie for my very early life lessons, they've served me well through out the years.

My thoughts on... forgiving yourself

We're all human so we're all going to make mistakes.  I've made some really big mistakes, like wearing my short, red overalls when I was a pre-teen.  To make matters worse I allowed people to take pictures of me in that outfit.  Now I could continue to be mad at myself for making such a stupid mistake or I could learn and grow from it and help it form my future decisions.  I can say that was dumb, but now I know better... I will never again wear short, red overalls ever again... that was not a good look... I must have not been thinking clearly... from now on I will stay as far away from overalls as I can get.  The easiest and fastest way to forgive yourself is to learn from your mistake.  Continuing to beat yourself up over stupid decisions, just keeps you stick in the past.  The more you harp on the past and mistakes that you've made, the more you continue to f#$^ up your future.  Learn, forgive, move on... make new mistakes learn and grow from them too.  Just get living, learning and forgiving.

Forgiveness is “selective remembering” – a conscious decision to focus on love and let the rest go.

Just my thoughts... on friendship

Being friends should be so much easier than most people make it.  If you want to be my friend, that's fine but take me how I am, allow me to be me.  I should not have to censor myself or just share part of myself for fear of hurting feelings.  I should be able to say whatever I want, free from any judgment, you have every right to disagree with me, but allow me to express myself and I'll return the courtesy. 

Friendships should never feel like work.  I should never have the thought that I better call this person or they're going to be pissed at me.  Real friendships are easy, I have some friends I talk to once a year and we pick up right where we left off.  Real friendships don't end they simple change and morph into whatever they're needed to be at any given time. 

I read somewhere that all people need in life to be happy are 5 good friends.  The article also said that the average facebook user has 245 friends, it was saying technically you could unfriend 240 people and still be happy.  I'm blessed to have way more than 5 good friends and I'm thankful for each and everyone of them and what they bring to my life.

My thoughts on... past loves

When I was five I made a pretty big mistake, I fell in love.  I fell in love with the boy that would be my first kiss, first secret boyfriend, first, second third, etc. heartbreak and the unrequited love of my life.  Over the years I've told him everything my wildest dreams, my darkest secrets, right down to my deepest fantasies.  I've shared things with him, that to this day he's the only one I've ever told. 

After the last time things didn't work out I sent him an email and I told him everything.  How his arms were my favourite place to be, how after every disappointment I kept hoping he would fight for me and he never did.  I shared every last hidden piece of myself.  I only sent it because at the end of the day I didn't want to sit there thinking about the things I never said.  There wasn't anything held back cause I figured this may very well be my last shot.   There wasn't anything left of me when I was done, I was exposed and raw and waiting to be let down easy.  All I really wanted was to be set free, to get permission to love someone else, to move on knowing that it was just never going to be.  Instead he said we should try. 

And so I waited.  I waited until I just couldn't take it anymore and went to make the first move.  That's when he tells me he's met someone else and wants to see how it works out with them.  I had shared all that I was, all that I am and he wanted to see if things would work out with someone else.  How do you get over knowing that you weren't enough to have someone else be selected over you after you've put it all on the line.  Its a feeling I would never wish on anyone.  Its still there sometimes when I'm not paying attention, I'll forget to block it out or I'll watch a movie and see our entire scenario play out.  I'll get this pain in my chest (not my heart, cause that was the last time I let him break my heart (not that there was much of it left from our previous experiences  (than my next love ground to dust the little pieces that were left))).  But, anyways, my chest still tightens and I'll see that look on the heroines face and know I've seen it before.  Sometimes I'll stop the movie there cause I don't feel like watching her find prince charming. 

Lately, I don't feel anything in regards to my past relationships.  When my first cruch recently announced that he was engaged I didn't feel anything at all.  Not sadness or jealousy or even a little confused, just nothing.  It made me decide that it's time to get all of my failed loves out of my life.  Cause I realized it doesn't help to have these reminders around of things that have caused me pain. I know I've never done anything but try to love them and they've done nothing but cause me pain and I know I deserve better than that.  I told someone we can't be friends right now, but maybe sometime in the future when the past hurts don't cause pain, we can try again.  Than I sat there and I thought about and I realized why that would never work.  He was never a real friend, he's never had any real regard for my heart or my feelings.  Why would I want to be friends with that.  Someone who could hurt me and never think to apologize.  I don't think his absence will be missed from my life at all.

Here's the crazy thing, after all that I'm still open to love, I'd still jump again if the right man came along.   My one hope is that I never take out the pain old love has caused on the next man that tries to love me.